Just be held

Things have been tricky lately. Unending anxiety, unending fatigue, panic over whether I'd be starting uni placement in the next day or two...would I have to be changing my life around with little warning? What if it didn't happen? What if it did? So much stress. Then I heard this song...

Just be Held - Casting Crowns
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIZitK6_IMQ

"Just Be Held"
Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

Chorus
So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who wont let go


I wish I could say that the song took away the panic and the worry of what would happen, it didn't but it did help. It reminded me that sometimes I need to call "Plot twist" and keep going and I've certainly had enough plot twists this week. Sometimes we need to remember who is in control and sometimes we need to just be held by God and trust that its all okay. As I believe in God, I also believe that he has a plan for my life and even when I can't see it, I need to keep hanging on to the idea that things are working out for his glory and within his grace.

Not everyone reading this believes in God and while I'd love you to know the same God that I know, I think that a similar priniciple still applies, that you might still need to be held by someone else for awhile. When the sky is dark with storm clouds, sometimes you might need to just be held by a good friend or a partner or even metaphorically held by a counsellor or a teacher or a nurse or someone else that can just help to lift that burden for a little while. We can't do this life on our own and we often need to trust in those around us that they can see what we can't see and trust in their wisdom and advice that things will be okay. They might not look okay and they might not all go the way we want them to or the way we think that they should, but eventually things will be okay, and sometimes we just need to be held and looked after and that is okay. We don't have to do this life stuff on our own....and we shouldn't be trying to do this on our own.

The Guardian

I wasn't going to post tonight but as I sit here in tears (or on the verge of tears - I seem to be alternating between the two) after watching the end of "The Guardian" (starring Kevin Costner and Ashton Kutcher) I want to write so here goes...

The Guardian is a movie about the US Coast Guard and one man's journey in particular, Senior Chief Ben Randall. The actual true life motto of the US Coast Guard is "So others may live". This translated literally means that these men and women are willing to give up their lives to save other people. Now we could go on and talk about the miltary in countries across the world doing the same thing, or what about doctors and nurses and health professionals that give up days and nights to help people? What about our police, paramedics, fire brigades (MFB and CFA), the State Emergency Service? Many people do many things to save the lives of other people giving up their own lives and time in the process. Then there are the everyday people that undertake selfless acts day in day out without ever receiving any recognition for them. There are some pretty amazing people in this world. I want to be one of them.

The other day I was asked how I could reconcile my wanting to be with Jesus in heaven with the fact that I'm aware that God has a plan for me here on earth. My answer continues to be "it's not that simple!" But reality is this... for ME, it would be better if I was in heaven. I wouldn't have the stress of life, I wouldn't be sick, I wouldn't be in tears from sadness (just joy), I wouldn't be struggling day in and day out with the issues of the here and now as well as the past and even the future....so much would be easier, I would be at peace. In MY mind I think anyone who doesn't want to be in heaven more than on earth really IS crazy and needs their head examined. Like seriously, is it that hard to figure out that heaven would be better for EVERYONE?

But that's the thing, we're not called just to live in heaven, we're called to try this deal called life here on earth too. It's just our temporary home but its still our home for the interim. Most days when I'm very flat and I want to give up and I want to just cease to be, its the fact that it could affect other people if I'm not here. Firstly there is just hurting them by causing them grief (and that applies in various degrees to different people), then there are all the people that I actively assist in one way or another right now...they could probably find someone else to do what I do but would another person be willing? Would another person have the time that I do BECAUSE I'm sick? I dont' know....I know i've been given what I'm meant to do so I should do it. and Thirdly, what about all the people I"m yet to help? Maybe its just a kind word to them in passing that helps them? Maybe its genuinely asking how they are that stops them from suicide or helps them to get help (both things I"ve been told AFTER the fact from previous interactions with people)...lots of things that I don't even know I"m doing simply because of who I am and the opportunities God gives me even when I'm unaware that it IS an opportunity.

So usually trusting that God has a plan is what keeps me living on this planet....to try and follow the motto "So others may live"....but sometimes I get entirely overwhelmed by my circumstances or things that happen...and I cannot cope alone (and even though I'm NOT alone I can still feel very isolated in those moments, especially when I don't want to drag others into my downward depressive spiral) and that is when I want to go to heaven.

Maybe just one day I will reach a point where I can live this life without worrying about heaven at all, I think that would be good and I think God would like that, I KNOW I'm going to heaven....(there are times I doubt this, I'm human after all....but if you start to challenge me, I discover deep down what I believe quite quickly)....And if I'm going to die a premature death, maybe it'll be so another person can live, not so I can die. And if I was to die, maybe, just maybe, if somehow I was blessed, my death would be a blessing to others too in some way...maybe it would inspire courage or hope...I have no idea. Every day is one step at a time, every single day.

Ambassador

Ever heard the quote, "Why are you trying to fit in when you were born to stand out?" (What a girl wants - the movie). Well I really struggle with standing out and mostly I long to just fade into the walls around me, be thin enough that I'm entirely invisible (and yes as a CATT worker once said to me and a&e that would mean I would be dead - I have been okay with that status off and on for a long time)...I often feel in the way, a problem, a total and complete waste of space, both physically and emotionally and financially.... its a struggle. It's a part of the reason I have an eating disorder, although having an eating disorder is also part of the reason I want to be invisble and feel like a waste of space....but then so are most of the illnesses I contend with. I have an absolutely AMAZING team that supports me and yet so often I feel like I'm failing them (and myself), I get so frustrated. But one thing that has helped (off and on - for I don't always remember) is considering myself to be an ambassador for God.

See when I started this blog I really didn't think I'd talk about God as much as I do, honestly I didn't. But he's central to well, everything. So awhile ago, I started thinking, "If I was to be an ambassador for God, what would that look like?"

This is what I think...

They would walk at a reasonable speed, not so fast like they're escaping something and not so slow that they fall behind everyone.
They would walk tall, not stooped over. There is pride in knowing that your Creator and Saviour and Lover is the King of Kings and we can take pride in who HE is and the fact that we're his child, his bride.
They would look people in the eyes and not avert them to the ground or to the far distance...for what do we have to be afraid of if we know who is our boss and who is looking after us and who will make sure everything is okay for us?
They would make the hard decisions because we know that we're making the decisions based on seeking out our Saviour and representing HIS glory, not our own.
We'd do things with integrity because the plan goes so far beyond our own lives and creates so many ripples and streams of light that we cannot even understand the impact of our actions, thus we need to live with as much integrity, honesty, compassion and humility as possible, giving all glory to our Saviour.
Finally, we'd walk with assurance. We'd face the fears and everything with the stature outlined above because we know who we serve and that he has our backs, ALL THE WAY.

In saying this though, ambassadors don't always make easy decisions or stay in easy circumstances, you might get posted to some rural outposting in the middle of war-torn Africa! Or in a foreign religious land like Saudi Arabia! Who knows...you could easily be kept in the cushy environment of the Western world and all its luxurious temptations....I know that just because I've know Jesus my life long, does NOT mean my life automatically easy, if anything, sometimes it gets harder. In the wise words of Amy Carmichael, "The reward of good and hard work, is more good and hard work."

I might feel weak and want to hide, I might want to crawl into a ditch and die and sometimes for days on end and for all sorts of reasons, but I'm going to try again and again and get as as many times as I fail until the Father calls me Home for good to be a good ambassador for God, no matter how many mistakes I make...I'm going to at least try.

A commercial in heaven

The most basic premise of Christianity is that Jesus loved us so much that he gave his life up to pay the price for the sin that we all have in our life and in the Bible, all sin is equal. As human's we tend to rate sins according to our culture and our ethical and moralistic perspective but at the end of the day ANY sin creates a gap between us and God, one that can't be closed easily...so Jesus died on the Cross, fought through hell and rose again on the third day. This means that now there is a connection between us and God, one that allows us to have a completely personal relationship with the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit. It also means that we are able to KNOW that we're going to heaven, that our spirit and souls have been redeemed.

Now I think that heaven celebrates when someone comes home for the final time, just welcoming them in to a very new life where tears are no more. I also think that it would be super cool to have like one of those inspirational commercials play whenever a new person enters heaven. You know the ones, the ones where some person is repelling down a rope to save another human being, or they're flying helicopters in super cool maneuvers or saving kids from burning buildings, you get the picture. They're all motivational commercials that provide a highlight package of amazing things that that person can do in that job. I think it would be cool to have one of those for each person arriving in heaven.

See, Jesus' sacrifice takes away the blame and its like washing us clean again....so even though our "commercial package" could include a whole lot of awful things, all our faults and weaknesses, Jesus paid that price so our "commercial package" could show all those things that other people don't see. The people we help and never talk about, the time we pick up that bit of litter off the ground, the time we forgive a person that hurts us, the effort that we put into our jobs to do the best job and be the best person we can be... that would be pretty cool.

If we could grasp this concept and trust that God knows our heart in what we do, then we can be more motivated to to be ourselves. See we need to be who we're meant to be whether its a teacher or a dancer or a social worker or a receptionist...no matter what our roles are in life we need to do them to the best of our ability. It's not about "doing good works" or "being a good person" for we're all sinners and all fall short of heaven will rejoice for the integrity and honesty and hard work that we've put into things.

Recognising that God has made a diverse and interesting human race means that we need to take our strengths and work them to the advantage of God's glory which ultimately will also assist the human race. It's not always easy, in fact a lot of the time its damn hard, but its what we need to do. Then with our weaknesses its good to acknowledge them and work on them, work to improve them but also seek out other people to help fill in the gaps where their strengths are the equals to our weaknesses, yet another reason why we need to be interdependent on people, helping each other, accepting help from each other. This concept is experienced in the song "Hall of Fame" by The Script ft. Will I Am.

When things get hard we need to keep working really hard to try and reach our goals...

Hall of Fame - The Script ft. Will I Am

Yeah, You could be the greatest
You can be the best
You can be the king kong banging on your chest

You could beat the world
You could beat the war
You could talk to God, go banging on his door

You can throw your hands up
You can be the clock
You can move a mountain
You can break rocks
You can be a master
Don't wait for luck
Dedicate yourself and you can find yourself

Standing in the hall of fame
And the world's gonna know your name
Cause you burn with the brightest flame
And the world's gonna know your name
And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

You could go the distance
You could run the mile
You could walk straight through hell with a smile

You could be the hero
You could get the gold
Breaking all the records that thought never could be broke

Do it for your people
Do it for your pride
Never gonna know if you never even try

Do it for your counrty
Do it for you name
Cause there's gonna be a day

When your, standing in the hall of fame
And the world's gonna know your name
Cause you burn with the brightest flame
And the world's gonna know your name
And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

Be a champion, Be a champion, Be a champion, Be a champion

On the walls of the hall of fame

Be students
Be teachers
Be politicians
Be preachers

Be believers
Be leaders
Be astronauts
Be champions
Be true seekers

Be students
Be teachers
Be politicians
Be preachers

Be believers
Be leaders
Be astronauts
Be champions

Standing in the hall of fame
And the world's gonna know your name
Cause you burn with the brightest flame
And the world's gonna know your name
And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

(You can be a champion)
You could be the greatest
(You can be a champion)
You can be the best
(You can be a champion)
You can be the king kong banging on your chest


(You can be a champion)
You could beat the world
(You can be a champion)
You could beat the war
(You can be a champion)
You could talk to God, go banging on his door

(You can be a champion)
You can throw your hands up
(You can be a champion)
You can be the clock
(You can be a champion)
You can move a mountain
(You can be a champion)
You can break rocks

(You can be a champion)
You can be a master
(You can be a champion)
Don't wait for luck
(You can be a champion)
Dedicate yourself and you can find yourself
(You can be a champion)

Standing in the hall of fame