Theaters and hiding

The last 6 months have led to a significant increase in a desire to hide. I really struggle with leaving the house. Any person on the outside would probably see a very "together" very "confident" person walking out the door...what they don't see is me quaking in my boots, paranoid that cameras are always watching me, panicking that I'm going to be attacked and held down or thrown to the ground from behind...AGAIN. What they don't see is all the mornings that I wake up and cannot leave my bed, I don't want to be awake but I canNOT leave the bed....they don't see the mornings I can't leave the couch or all the errands I put off because it means leaving the front door....gosh sometimes I even put off going to the toilet just so I don't need to leave my room! Clearly here I'm describing a range of problems that fall on a scale from less severe to more severe....but things have been hard.

Around Christmas time, I didn't leave the house for over 20 days straight....when I am admitted to the specialist unit interstate, my psychiatrist nearly jumps for joy if I make plans to leave the ward let alone the hospital. This is an ongoing struggle and one that is getting harder all the time. I do what I have to do and I do it through dissociation. There are really only two places I feel somewhat safe, my mothers house (where I spend my weekends, but as I feel safer there, I want to leave there even less then I do another place) and where I undergo therapy....I guess I also feel safe in my car too, but that can be tricky. If I'm in my car and going for a drive and away from everyone, I'm okay....but if I'm going TO some place, I struggle, a lot. I can love the people I'm going to see, I can feel secure enough in the place I'm leaving, but the travelling unravels me. I'm a wreck. So the last few months have seen an increase in routines and an increase in anything that assists coping mechanisms...which for me has meant a lot of trips to the movies, the theatre.

Why does the theatre soothe me? I actually don't know. I'm not a huge fan of the movies. I like being able to sit on my own couch in comfort and wander in and out as I get food and drinks and feel sore and need to move around....but there is something about being in the dark, in the quiet with one focus where I can be completely lost, in a dissociated way, but its different to normal dissociation because I'm fully involved in the film (until the pain overtakes me anyway) and its quiet. I'm not one of those people that must have someone with them so I have been to many a film alone. I also find that I use movies and music and books to help process my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I have no real idea why I become so attached to some films and not others but I do and I will watch these films over and over and over again.

So knowing there are a number of movies I want to see at the moment I took myself out tonight for an extravaganza....I was going to the beanbag theatre for the first time. I've wanted to go for a number of years, I've wanted to hold fundraisers there and I've thought that through in detail (I want to raise money for the Starlight Children's Foundation) and I wanted to go and see the movie  "The Impossible." The downside of all this was that it was starting at 850pm....the number of times I've seen late movies (outside of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship), maybe twice, maybe three times? Very unlike me but it was the only time this movie was playing in this cinema. So all day I worked hard to keep my anxiety down and work out my dinner and plan everything so I could go. This involved talking to a few friends online for ages to try and reduce my anxiety, looking up online menu's to ascertain exactly what i'd be eating, planning a time to leave and watching a DVD prior to leaving so that I could kill enough time.... it was a big deal!

I got there, I bought my ticket, I forgot to ask for concession...I went in and the bean bags did not contain beans! Umm, by definition, isn'ta  bean bag a bag with BEANS in it! Usually white polystyrene type beans but beans never the less. I think if I'd stayed I would've had a very sore stomach tomorrow because the beanbags were HUGE (two people would EASILY fit on one bag) and they weren't overly comfy, soft enough, but NO support for one's neck or head....so its like doing a banana hold for 90-120 minutes, ouch! But I was sitting there eating my dinner, getting myself sorted when.... I saw a mouse!

I seriously needed my little friend named Zoe (kitten) or even her brother (Mishka) right then! The mouse was definitely a mouse not a rat so that was a positive. I know that pet rats are very clean and friendly but we're talking wild here so I'd prefer a mouse....and it was running up and down the aisles all over the beanbags, which means it was probably used to its home in the beanbag cinema. I was the first person to see it.... I let it go for about 2 minutes and then decided to report it. I got a "so what?" from the guy! I was unimpressed. So I walk back into the cinema and say to the whole cinema (about 15-20 people), "Just to let you know there is a mouse running loose in here and I'm not sure what you want to do about it but I'm not impressed, just watch out" less then 5 seconds later, "OH MY GOSH THERE IT IS!" (I think they all thought I was just going to be an annoying mental illness stereotype candidate)...it didn't take long for the whole cinema to have spotted the mouse.

After multiple complaints and people offering to watch my stuff while I went and sorted it out with management, a worker bee and eventually the manager came in. The house lights went down for the start of the movie and that was when people REALLY panicked. It was okay when it was just a mouse, but I hate spiders and I know its not a spider but seriously, if I felt something scurrying up my leg in the middle of a dark theatre, I'd probably still squeal or scream or panic! Besides, what about the risks of being bitten and like another couple said, how do we know that there are not a whole family of mice under those beanbags (that are not bean bags)?

They ended up closing the theatre and they couldn't move us to another theatre because they were all in use. So we were given our money back and an extra ticket....unfortunately I couldn't find my seated ticket so I didn't get a full refund which sucks big time :(....So I go to all this effort and instead of a relaxing night at the theatre, I create a scene of chaos (which honestly I think would've happened even without my own efforts) and wound up driving home a few hours later, having seen all of 30 seconds of the movie :(. Sad indeed.

What I did learn however is that I don't think I want to go to the beanbag theatre but if I ever win millions of dollars I will covert a room in a theatre room with comfy lay-z-boys (or similar) AND beanbags! I also think I won't be going to the movies that late at night again unless I'm super stressed and its an impulsive decision!

What a night!

The Guardian

I wasn't going to post tonight but as I sit here in tears (or on the verge of tears - I seem to be alternating between the two) after watching the end of "The Guardian" (starring Kevin Costner and Ashton Kutcher) I want to write so here goes...

The Guardian is a movie about the US Coast Guard and one man's journey in particular, Senior Chief Ben Randall. The actual true life motto of the US Coast Guard is "So others may live". This translated literally means that these men and women are willing to give up their lives to save other people. Now we could go on and talk about the miltary in countries across the world doing the same thing, or what about doctors and nurses and health professionals that give up days and nights to help people? What about our police, paramedics, fire brigades (MFB and CFA), the State Emergency Service? Many people do many things to save the lives of other people giving up their own lives and time in the process. Then there are the everyday people that undertake selfless acts day in day out without ever receiving any recognition for them. There are some pretty amazing people in this world. I want to be one of them.

The other day I was asked how I could reconcile my wanting to be with Jesus in heaven with the fact that I'm aware that God has a plan for me here on earth. My answer continues to be "it's not that simple!" But reality is this... for ME, it would be better if I was in heaven. I wouldn't have the stress of life, I wouldn't be sick, I wouldn't be in tears from sadness (just joy), I wouldn't be struggling day in and day out with the issues of the here and now as well as the past and even the future....so much would be easier, I would be at peace. In MY mind I think anyone who doesn't want to be in heaven more than on earth really IS crazy and needs their head examined. Like seriously, is it that hard to figure out that heaven would be better for EVERYONE?

But that's the thing, we're not called just to live in heaven, we're called to try this deal called life here on earth too. It's just our temporary home but its still our home for the interim. Most days when I'm very flat and I want to give up and I want to just cease to be, its the fact that it could affect other people if I'm not here. Firstly there is just hurting them by causing them grief (and that applies in various degrees to different people), then there are all the people that I actively assist in one way or another right now...they could probably find someone else to do what I do but would another person be willing? Would another person have the time that I do BECAUSE I'm sick? I dont' know....I know i've been given what I'm meant to do so I should do it. and Thirdly, what about all the people I"m yet to help? Maybe its just a kind word to them in passing that helps them? Maybe its genuinely asking how they are that stops them from suicide or helps them to get help (both things I"ve been told AFTER the fact from previous interactions with people)...lots of things that I don't even know I"m doing simply because of who I am and the opportunities God gives me even when I'm unaware that it IS an opportunity.

So usually trusting that God has a plan is what keeps me living on this planet....to try and follow the motto "So others may live"....but sometimes I get entirely overwhelmed by my circumstances or things that happen...and I cannot cope alone (and even though I'm NOT alone I can still feel very isolated in those moments, especially when I don't want to drag others into my downward depressive spiral) and that is when I want to go to heaven.

Maybe just one day I will reach a point where I can live this life without worrying about heaven at all, I think that would be good and I think God would like that, I KNOW I'm going to heaven....(there are times I doubt this, I'm human after all....but if you start to challenge me, I discover deep down what I believe quite quickly)....And if I'm going to die a premature death, maybe it'll be so another person can live, not so I can die. And if I was to die, maybe, just maybe, if somehow I was blessed, my death would be a blessing to others too in some way...maybe it would inspire courage or hope...I have no idea. Every day is one step at a time, every single day.