Ever heard the quote, "Why are you trying to fit in when you were born to stand out?" (What a girl wants - the movie). Well I really struggle with standing out and mostly I long to just fade into the walls around me, be thin enough that I'm entirely invisible (and yes as a CATT worker once said to me and a&e that would mean I would be dead - I have been okay with that status off and on for a long time)...I often feel in the way, a problem, a total and complete waste of space, both physically and emotionally and financially.... its a struggle. It's a part of the reason I have an eating disorder, although having an eating disorder is also part of the reason I want to be invisble and feel like a waste of space....but then so are most of the illnesses I contend with. I have an absolutely AMAZING team that supports me and yet so often I feel like I'm failing them (and myself), I get so frustrated. But one thing that has helped (off and on - for I don't always remember) is considering myself to be an ambassador for God.
See when I started this blog I really didn't think I'd talk about God as much as I do, honestly I didn't. But he's central to well, everything. So awhile ago, I started thinking, "If I was to be an ambassador for God, what would that look like?"
This is what I think...
They would walk at a reasonable speed, not so fast like they're escaping something and not so slow that they fall behind everyone.
They would walk tall, not stooped over. There is pride in knowing that your Creator and Saviour and Lover is the King of Kings and we can take pride in who HE is and the fact that we're his child, his bride.
They would look people in the eyes and not avert them to the ground or to the far distance...for what do we have to be afraid of if we know who is our boss and who is looking after us and who will make sure everything is okay for us?
They would make the hard decisions because we know that we're making the decisions based on seeking out our Saviour and representing HIS glory, not our own.
We'd do things with integrity because the plan goes so far beyond our own lives and creates so many ripples and streams of light that we cannot even understand the impact of our actions, thus we need to live with as much integrity, honesty, compassion and humility as possible, giving all glory to our Saviour.
Finally, we'd walk with assurance. We'd face the fears and everything with the stature outlined above because we know who we serve and that he has our backs, ALL THE WAY.
In saying this though, ambassadors don't always make easy decisions or stay in easy circumstances, you might get posted to some rural outposting in the middle of war-torn Africa! Or in a foreign religious land like Saudi Arabia! Who knows...you could easily be kept in the cushy environment of the Western world and all its luxurious temptations....I know that just because I've know Jesus my life long, does NOT mean my life automatically easy, if anything, sometimes it gets harder. In the wise words of Amy Carmichael, "The reward of good and hard work, is more good and hard work."
I might feel weak and want to hide, I might want to crawl into a ditch and die and sometimes for days on end and for all sorts of reasons, but I'm going to try again and again and get as as many times as I fail until the Father calls me Home for good to be a good ambassador for God, no matter how many mistakes I make...I'm going to at least try.
2 comments:
I love your description of how we might look as ambassadors of God. I think that this is how we would look and walk and talk and think and feel and BE if we truly realised and accepted our worth too - it seems to be the gift many of us continually throw back in His face, and actually being accepting of our own selves and confident in our worthiness and our own value is just as much being an ambassador as any other way. The most powerful messages I've received from God were through other's example. Of how they treated me, and of how they treated themselves.
I think you already ARE an ambassador. And we don't have to be 'perfect' because man isn't perfect, that's just it. What's most important is whats in our hearts and our intentions and you are so kind and caring and giving and you keep on getting up and trying again no matter what - that's faith too.
Every time I talk to you, I feel inpsired, even when you are in pain and struggling and suffering - because your determination and just how you hold on through hell with only the promise that God is even out there to listen to your prayers, and you ask your friends just for their prayers - you are so humble. You truly inspire me and our God speaks volumes to me through you all the time. Love you, and thank you for being YOU xxxx
I can really relate to wanting to fade into the walls. The quote "Why are you trying to fit in when you were born to stand out?" made me think about alot of things. I think that as a child I wanted to stand out and be noticed. As I got older I think part of me wanted to stand out but I was so scared because standing out led to bullying, ridicule and being left out. Now as an adult I continue to fight and to be honest the side of me who is fearful and wants to hide usually wins out. Your blog post made me not only think about this but also that I should challenge the fearful side of me. You are right about needing to look people in the eye and make the hard decisions. You are so insightful. Thank you. E
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