This is the time - Amelia part 2

This this song reminded me strongly of parts of Amelia's final email to me. She asked her mum to send it to me after she'd died, But her mum sent it to me a few days before so it wouldn't be forgotten in mourning once the machines were turned off (She was already unconscious at this time and not expected to regain consciousness). This is one little piece from Amelia's email to me,..."please remember that there is always someone to inspire and someone new to meet. But you have to be brave. Without my bravery of starting and Instagram account i would not have sister (you) and seven of my closest friends who have all played a role in my journey with AML (Leukaemia)." Amelia knew by this stage that I was ready to give up on the world again and that being in this world was a struggle but she strongly encouraged me to connect with people and showed me that connecting with people really does make a difference and had in her life.

She also talked about letting go of things that you didn't need to hold onto anymore and holding onto what WAS important... "I had to learn to let go. And letting go for me meant that i had to allow things to happen and accepting the present for what it is, although the shitty situation I was forced to accept it was all part of the process of letting go both emotionally and physically." and "For the longest time i wanted to control the situations and had the hardest time trying to let go. It can be hard to let go when tough things stand in your way but times come when you have to step back and let things happen". She encouraged me to move forward and not be afraid of things going wrong but to let go sometimes and just let it happens and other times you can fly.

So like the song says, you want to break apart the walls that set apart you from life whether it be pain, illness, anxiety, holding in trauma, do whatever it takes to let it go and step into life.

The other thing I learnt from the song that reminded me of Amelia so strongly was the notion of having dreams. Dreams are very important, hold onto them, develop them, step into them, don't let them go! Dreams will help you to FLY! 

There is a bridge in this song that goes, "Live like your life is worth dying for" and it is what Amelia taught me. I don't kinow why she had to die so young, I do not know why I'm alive because I think the world would be a better place if it was the opposite way around. But I work on not giving up and reaching out to my supports when I get low (I'm not crazy things don't just change overnight, no matter how much you decide you want them to)....but while I'm living this life I plan to live it worthy of Amelia my guardian angel and my friends and family who love me so much. 

This is the time - Superchick
This is the story of your life 
A movie starring you 
What's the next scene have for you to do? 

Leave the dishes in the sink
Leave your fear there too
Live the story you would write for you

Say hey hey wake your heart
And break break break apart
The walls that keep you from being you
And walk walk towards the light
And don't stop till you live your life
Like someone died for you

This is the time to try
Step out your life is waiting
And as you fall you'll find
That you can fly

This is the time to try
Step out your life is waiting
And as you fall you'll find
That you can fly

You can find a million words
To build a wall of fear
Safe behind that wall imprisoned here
Take that someday step today
To who you're meant to be
And turn your dreams to plans
So you can breathe

Say hey hey wake your heart
And break break break apart
The walls that keep you from being you
And walk walk towards the light
And don't stop till you live your life
Like someone died for you

This is the time to try
Step out your life is waiting
And as you fall you'll find
That you can fly

Ask anyone whose time is up
What they'd give for what you've got
And how they'd live your life
Live like your life's worth dying for
You've just walked out that prison door
And you'll know how to live your life

This is the time to try
Step out your life is waiting
And as you fall you'll find
That you can fly

This is the time to try
Step out your life is waiting
And as you fall you'll find
That you can fly

Just be held

Things have been tricky lately. Unending anxiety, unending fatigue, panic over whether I'd be starting uni placement in the next day or two...would I have to be changing my life around with little warning? What if it didn't happen? What if it did? So much stress. Then I heard this song...

Just be Held - Casting Crowns
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIZitK6_IMQ

"Just Be Held"
Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

Chorus
So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who wont let go


I wish I could say that the song took away the panic and the worry of what would happen, it didn't but it did help. It reminded me that sometimes I need to call "Plot twist" and keep going and I've certainly had enough plot twists this week. Sometimes we need to remember who is in control and sometimes we need to just be held by God and trust that its all okay. As I believe in God, I also believe that he has a plan for my life and even when I can't see it, I need to keep hanging on to the idea that things are working out for his glory and within his grace.

Not everyone reading this believes in God and while I'd love you to know the same God that I know, I think that a similar priniciple still applies, that you might still need to be held by someone else for awhile. When the sky is dark with storm clouds, sometimes you might need to just be held by a good friend or a partner or even metaphorically held by a counsellor or a teacher or a nurse or someone else that can just help to lift that burden for a little while. We can't do this life on our own and we often need to trust in those around us that they can see what we can't see and trust in their wisdom and advice that things will be okay. They might not look okay and they might not all go the way we want them to or the way we think that they should, but eventually things will be okay, and sometimes we just need to be held and looked after and that is okay. We don't have to do this life stuff on our own....and we shouldn't be trying to do this on our own.

Sleep, tea and toast

Today has been a long long day. I don't mind except that I'm pretty worn out and exhausted. Last night I got some confusing perplexing news. What I was told by one doctor was completely changed (COMPLETELY) when communicated to another doctor and the result was me in tears, ringing my psychiatrist bawlling to her on the phone for about 30 minutes. Today my eyes still hurt from so much crying. The problem for me with this major change in what they want to do is that I can't actually do it which could result in pain beyond what I can cope with which ultimately results in me feeling and acting in a very suicidal manner. For those that don't know, people with chronic pain (especially if its inappropriately controlled) are 30 times more likely to take their life via suicide. That's quite a high statistic. And in my case its all very unnecessary, I don't understand whats going on. It's stressful.

Yesterday I also found out that the Office of Housing wants me to put a different region on my form which is okay except I REALLY do not want to live in that region. I want to stay in the region I'm in now. I know the trains and buses, I know where to walk, I don't have access to all the nice restaurants like I did in my former location but still its familiar and safe and feels the most like home of any other suburb in the area that we live.

So I exist in this panic about what is going to happen and whether I can cope.

I know that some people would think I was selfish for even thinking about something like suicide in advance, they don't understand is what it coems down to. A lot of people say they do...but they don't because if they understood they wouldn't do things to inhibit it when it becomes (IF it becomes) necessary. Who knows, maybe my meds will all get sorted out easily and its all a mute point. I don't know.

But something happened today that made me feel good and give me some hope of just connecting and being cared for. It's so random it might not even make sense. But I got to the place where I was meant to catch up with someone and I fell asleep on the little couch. I was asleep for almost 2.5 hours plus another 30 minutes later on. I wasn't woken or stirred. I had a kitten tucked in with me keeping me a bit warmer and company. Then when I was awake, I was very politely and kindly given some herbal tea (oops a bit hot to begin with but nice to drink once it had cooled down) and some toast. This person was going above and beyond in caring for me. When I had to leave even then they put their conversation on pause and said goodbye for the day. It as all so simple, but so nice. So so nice to be in one of the safest places I have and just REST, just stop and chill out. I wasn't stressed that we weren't talking as was the plan, I wasn't stressed that I was eating and drinking....I just felt so much compassion and being cared for, it was nice.

I KNOW that people care about me....but something I'm strruggling with lately is that I am expected to fit into their idea of a friend or their idea of how things work but I'm not really allowed to have my own opinions....it makes friendships hard when that respect isn't very strong. It's tricky too because lots of people I know are hurt, sick or broken and they don't take criticisim very well, they either can't understand it or they get hurt by it, neither are my intent. But I need people to understand ME, all of me too (or at least all the parts I reveal to them) and accept ME as I am....someone who sometimes needs safe sleep more than a conversation.... (Note: I also need to find a way to be a bit less bitchy when people don't listen to me or understand me as I seem to have very little threshold right now.)


A song I once used to listen to a lot over and over for hours in a dissociated state... I want to share it with you.... life is hopeless and things we do are helpless....but ultimately there is one person that can help us and take us from the maddness, the craziness....into the light. (Please note the youtube video may be triggering for some people.)


Kenny Marks - World Gone Mad
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBSl11GjedU

She's never been lonelier.
And the world's closing in on her.
Maybe she should just end it all,
she can't take anymore.
Now the dark clouds are everywhere,
And her broken heart hasn't got a prayer.

Oo, life ain't fair in a world gone mad.

She never knew love before.
And he's a boy that she's fighting for.
Doesn't matter that her momma says,
"He's a love you're goin' lose."
She never listen to her momma now,
It's her life, she'll make it work somehow.
She wants a boy and she wants him now,
In a world gone mad.

Chorus:
In a world gone mad,
It's a choice you can be the chooser.
In a world gone mad,
Be a winner or be a loser.
You can do as you please, be it good or bad.
In a world gone mad.

I never knew who my father was,
Never knew when it all because
He left a long time ago,
to chase the wild wind that blows.
It's the rage that I feel tonight,
It's the anger that makes me want to fight.
I'm goin' live my life in a world gone mad.

Oh, oh, oh.
In a world gone mad,
Oh, oh, oh.
It's a choice you can be the chooser.
In a world gone mad,
Be a winner or be a loser.
You can do as you please, be it good or bad.
Yeah, In a world gone mad.

There's a truth that can answer lies;
There's a love you can recognize.
He came a long time ago for the good and the bad.
He's the way you can make things right;
He's the only truth in the darkened night.
My only prayer dispite this world gone mad.

Oh, oh, oh.
In a world gone mad,
There is hope for the broken hearted.
Oh, oh, oh.
In a world gone mad,
There is truth that can get you started.
This love's going to guide you,
to know the good from the bad.
Oh! Oh yeah, in a world gone mad!

Oh, oh, oh.
In a world gone mad,
There is hope for the broken hearted.
Oh, oh, oh.
In a world gone mad,
There is truth that can get you started.
This love's going to guide you,
to know the good from the bad.
Yeah! Oh, in a world gone mad.