Sleep, tea and toast

Today has been a long long day. I don't mind except that I'm pretty worn out and exhausted. Last night I got some confusing perplexing news. What I was told by one doctor was completely changed (COMPLETELY) when communicated to another doctor and the result was me in tears, ringing my psychiatrist bawlling to her on the phone for about 30 minutes. Today my eyes still hurt from so much crying. The problem for me with this major change in what they want to do is that I can't actually do it which could result in pain beyond what I can cope with which ultimately results in me feeling and acting in a very suicidal manner. For those that don't know, people with chronic pain (especially if its inappropriately controlled) are 30 times more likely to take their life via suicide. That's quite a high statistic. And in my case its all very unnecessary, I don't understand whats going on. It's stressful.

Yesterday I also found out that the Office of Housing wants me to put a different region on my form which is okay except I REALLY do not want to live in that region. I want to stay in the region I'm in now. I know the trains and buses, I know where to walk, I don't have access to all the nice restaurants like I did in my former location but still its familiar and safe and feels the most like home of any other suburb in the area that we live.

So I exist in this panic about what is going to happen and whether I can cope.

I know that some people would think I was selfish for even thinking about something like suicide in advance, they don't understand is what it coems down to. A lot of people say they do...but they don't because if they understood they wouldn't do things to inhibit it when it becomes (IF it becomes) necessary. Who knows, maybe my meds will all get sorted out easily and its all a mute point. I don't know.

But something happened today that made me feel good and give me some hope of just connecting and being cared for. It's so random it might not even make sense. But I got to the place where I was meant to catch up with someone and I fell asleep on the little couch. I was asleep for almost 2.5 hours plus another 30 minutes later on. I wasn't woken or stirred. I had a kitten tucked in with me keeping me a bit warmer and company. Then when I was awake, I was very politely and kindly given some herbal tea (oops a bit hot to begin with but nice to drink once it had cooled down) and some toast. This person was going above and beyond in caring for me. When I had to leave even then they put their conversation on pause and said goodbye for the day. It as all so simple, but so nice. So so nice to be in one of the safest places I have and just REST, just stop and chill out. I wasn't stressed that we weren't talking as was the plan, I wasn't stressed that I was eating and drinking....I just felt so much compassion and being cared for, it was nice.

I KNOW that people care about me....but something I'm strruggling with lately is that I am expected to fit into their idea of a friend or their idea of how things work but I'm not really allowed to have my own opinions....it makes friendships hard when that respect isn't very strong. It's tricky too because lots of people I know are hurt, sick or broken and they don't take criticisim very well, they either can't understand it or they get hurt by it, neither are my intent. But I need people to understand ME, all of me too (or at least all the parts I reveal to them) and accept ME as I am....someone who sometimes needs safe sleep more than a conversation.... (Note: I also need to find a way to be a bit less bitchy when people don't listen to me or understand me as I seem to have very little threshold right now.)


A song I once used to listen to a lot over and over for hours in a dissociated state... I want to share it with you.... life is hopeless and things we do are helpless....but ultimately there is one person that can help us and take us from the maddness, the craziness....into the light. (Please note the youtube video may be triggering for some people.)


Kenny Marks - World Gone Mad
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBSl11GjedU

She's never been lonelier.
And the world's closing in on her.
Maybe she should just end it all,
she can't take anymore.
Now the dark clouds are everywhere,
And her broken heart hasn't got a prayer.

Oo, life ain't fair in a world gone mad.

She never knew love before.
And he's a boy that she's fighting for.
Doesn't matter that her momma says,
"He's a love you're goin' lose."
She never listen to her momma now,
It's her life, she'll make it work somehow.
She wants a boy and she wants him now,
In a world gone mad.

Chorus:
In a world gone mad,
It's a choice you can be the chooser.
In a world gone mad,
Be a winner or be a loser.
You can do as you please, be it good or bad.
In a world gone mad.

I never knew who my father was,
Never knew when it all because
He left a long time ago,
to chase the wild wind that blows.
It's the rage that I feel tonight,
It's the anger that makes me want to fight.
I'm goin' live my life in a world gone mad.

Oh, oh, oh.
In a world gone mad,
Oh, oh, oh.
It's a choice you can be the chooser.
In a world gone mad,
Be a winner or be a loser.
You can do as you please, be it good or bad.
Yeah, In a world gone mad.

There's a truth that can answer lies;
There's a love you can recognize.
He came a long time ago for the good and the bad.
He's the way you can make things right;
He's the only truth in the darkened night.
My only prayer dispite this world gone mad.

Oh, oh, oh.
In a world gone mad,
There is hope for the broken hearted.
Oh, oh, oh.
In a world gone mad,
There is truth that can get you started.
This love's going to guide you,
to know the good from the bad.
Oh! Oh yeah, in a world gone mad!

Oh, oh, oh.
In a world gone mad,
There is hope for the broken hearted.
Oh, oh, oh.
In a world gone mad,
There is truth that can get you started.
This love's going to guide you,
to know the good from the bad.
Yeah! Oh, in a world gone mad.