Things have been tricky lately. Unending anxiety, unending fatigue, panic over whether I'd be starting uni placement in the next day or two...would I have to be changing my life around with little warning? What if it didn't happen? What if it did? So much stress. Then I heard this song...
"Just Be Held" Hold it all together Everybody needs you strong But life hits you out of nowhere And barely leaves you holding on And when you're tired of fighting Chained by your control There's freedom in surrender Lay it down and let it go Chorus So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held Just be held, just be held If your eyes are on the storm You'll wonder if I love you still But if your eyes are on the cross You'll know I always have and I always will And not a tear is wasted In time, you'll understand I'm painting beauty with the ashes Your life is in My hands Lift your hands, lift your eyes In the storm is where you'll find Me And where you are, I'll hold your heart I'll hold your heart Come to Me, find your rest In the arms of the God who wont let go I wish I could say that the song took away the panic and the worry of what would happen, it didn't but it did help. It reminded me that sometimes I need to call "Plot twist" and keep going and I've certainly had enough plot twists this week. Sometimes we need to remember who is in control and sometimes we need to just be held by God and trust that its all okay. As I believe in God, I also believe that he has a plan for my life and even when I can't see it, I need to keep hanging on to the idea that things are working out for his glory and within his grace. Not everyone reading this believes in God and while I'd love you to know the same God that I know, I think that a similar priniciple still applies, that you might still need to be held by someone else for awhile. When the sky is dark with storm clouds, sometimes you might need to just be held by a good friend or a partner or even metaphorically held by a counsellor or a teacher or a nurse or someone else that can just help to lift that burden for a little while. We can't do this life on our own and we often need to trust in those around us that they can see what we can't see and trust in their wisdom and advice that things will be okay. They might not look okay and they might not all go the way we want them to or the way we think that they should, but eventually things will be okay, and sometimes we just need to be held and looked after and that is okay. We don't have to do this life stuff on our own....and we shouldn't be trying to do this on our own.
This post may come across as a little hypocritical because I'm still healing and I'm far from perfect and I'm far from accepting all the things I'm about to write about here....but I'm NOT far from accepting that I need people in my life that believe this about me in my life and believe with all they have in them...so maybe its not so hypocritical afterall.
MY username for many things is Telstaar. It translates to "Star at the end of the sky" and often in my life I have come across people (typically females but some guys too) that are at the end of their rope, like a light at the end of a sky. Those feeling rejected, the people that others have given up on, or about to give up on or sometimes just the people that others give up on along the way, those feeling out of hope. I've seen people steal cars, do drugs, run away from home, be raped, hold the hand of a child while she was told her brother was murdered, listen to a sobbing 17 yo over the phone from a closet who found her father released home from prison after killing her mother by cracking her skull open on a toilet seat.... I currently have friends infected with deadly viruses through NO fault of their own, I have friends dying of eating disorders, organ failure, in hospital with desperate and deep depression that they are so suicidal they cannot be let out on leave, many friends attempting suicide through all sorts of creative means, friends with bipolar, schizophrenia, people who literally feel that they're losing their minds, listened to friends sobbing as they tell me about their history of abuse and trauma they've gone through and even more day to day things like relationship difficulties that are just as devastating in different ways. I've also witnessed drug addicts get pregnant and turn their lives around by having babies and people miscarry much wanted pregnancies. Not much shocks me anymore, it really doesn't. I don't say all this to shock you, I say all this because I want you all to know that your stories aren't alone! YOU ARE NOT ALONE! and YOU ARE NOT DAMAGED GOODS!
For some amazing reason I am blessed and honoured with the ability to be trusted with your deepest secrets and fears at your most hurting moments. I've sat with you in emergency departments or psych hospitals or just at midnight on the phone. I've listened to you guys cry or emailled you or had sms conversations with you. I don't think there is really any person in my life that I don't care about with the deepest empathy. I've seen people tear other people apart and yet I still love them and desperately want whats best for them, I can't just leave them alone. I might not go jumping in head first to try to save the day (that is not always my roll and that could make things worse for people) but I do what I can, (which for me is sometimes just to pray and pray and pray some more) and sometimes its just being here so that if someone int he past wants me to be there to listen to them unconditionally without having to explain and absence that that's okay. And sometimes I get tired and grumpy and I think, "What about me?"
The thing is....much to the disappointment of my psychiatrist (I think) I can't just say no to these desperate people because for most of these amazing wonderful BEAUTIFUL people, by the time they call me, I know that they don't have many avenues left. Pretty much everyone who contacts me is struggling in some way, not always, sometimes its just a catch up and that's cool too, I love that.... I'm certainly not in the friendships just for the crisis situations, catch ups are great and they are what inspires everyone to get well....but at the end of the day I think that if I can be that person that people know they can turn to when everything is going to shit then that isn't actually a bad thing. For me *I* get my strength from Jesus. Now lots of people might not want to hear that because it might just be too religious to hear, but I'm a human being and as a human being, I have limits and limitations too....but when push comes to shove, if I really really have to do something in some way, the strength comes from Jesus. However, it's soo much more than this as to WHY I can do this I think....
See when I see someone, I don't see their screw ups or as the case may be the things that screwed them over...those things suck and are tragic, they can lead to poor judgement and mess the person around, but I see them as a human being and they are perfectly perfect and if I can help them learn to be the best person that THEY are created to be, then I've done my job as a friend. See I don't need to create mini-me's. I need to help them to discover who THEY want and need to me. One girl that I helped out for a long time I count as a bit of a "success" if she doesn't mind that.....she disagrees with me openly on lots of things! But the point is, she CAN disagree with me and she knows that I'll love her just as much anyway. She doesn't need my approval to live my life. She might ask my opinion and she might consider that opinion but then she moves forward and makes her own decisions. She's not always "Perfect" by the worlds standards of getting everything right and never making mistakes but she's perfect in who she is and in living her life and not compromising her own integrity for other people. She considers other people, she is kind to other people, she listens to the wisdom of other people and then she makes her own informed choices. I think that is good.
See when I see all these broken people before me, and they ARE broken, very broken, hurting and sad, so sad....and broken and sad for a very good many reasons....I don't just see the breaks and the cracks and try to fix that, I see who they were, who they are and who they can be....not just by what *I* think they can be but bit by bit by who THEY start to tell me who they can be. Which is a bit of a journey because sometimes those people don't know themselves. I won't give up on someone. I don't always know what to do with someone, but I won't give up on them....even those I see hurting others, I won't give up on them because they all deserve someone who can see them as Pink so eloquently states, Fuckin' Perfect.
I really like this song because I think we all make wrong turns and I think we all end up misunderstood either by the wrong turns we make or by what happens to us....I think most people who are hurting are misunderstood but we've all survived, we're all here, broken or not, we're all perfect in our own way, we just need to find our own way of being OURSELF and showing that to everyone else.
So in closing, I am still chasing down my demons but to my girls I love you, I think you're perfect and I'm here, I'll never give up on you, EVER, no matter what, no matter what you do or what is done to you, EVER, this life and into the next, I'm here as best I can be if you want me.
(NB. The Video clip may be triggering for some people but I do suggest watching it if you can)
Fuckin' Perfect - Pink Made a wrong turn once or twice Dug my way out, blood and fire Bad decisions, that's alright Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood Miss 'No way, it's all good' It didn't slow me down. Mistaken, always second guessing Underestimated, look I'm still around
Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel Like you're less than fucking perfect Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me
You're so mean (so mean) when you talk (when you talk) About yourself. You were wrong. Change the voices (change the voices) in your head (in your head) Make them like you instead.
So complicated, Look how we all make it. Filled with so much hatred Such a tired game It's enough, I've done all I could think of Chased down all my demons I've seen you do the same (Oh oh)
Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel Like you're less than fucking perfect Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me
The whole world's scared, so I swallow the fear The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer So cool in lying and we try, try, try but we try too hard And it's a waste of my time. Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair Exchange ourselves and we do it all the time Why do we do that, why do I do that (why do I do that)?
(Yeah! Oh!) I'm pretty, pretty, pretty
Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel Like you're less than fucking perfect Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me (You're perfect, you're perfect) Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me. Nb. This post was written by Telle not Ana but you can still email Ana or me at anameredith@gmail.com if you want or need to talk.
So yesterday I wrote about how we need to live life as we can doing what we're called to do and see that there are bits of heaven here on earth even though the earth and its people are broken. I have spoken about this next bit before but it is my internal struggle. I never feel completely at home here on earth. I know the Holy Spirit is with me, I know that Jesus died on a Cross so I can have a direct line to the Father, I KNOW I am not alone. I know I was created out of joy and as I am reminded from various people and things in my life, I was not a mistake, not even my broken bits are mistakes, they are just a way to form a new mosaic for me to look like....but it is hard because I want to be WITH the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. I want to be where the light never stops shining, I want to be where I know that this darkness and heaviness that follows me around won't be there anymore and that place is heaven.
On the days when I can't see any light it is hard to stay here on this earth. I know in my head this is where I'm meant to be but so often my heart feels this crushing weight and a desperate need to escape. It is in this time that I imagine heaven. I'm going to talk you through using my favourite medium, music... this first song, is all the questions I wonder about with heaven (except for why on earth the traffic on the eastern fwy backs up at Middleborough road EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, I'm totally asking God that upon my arrival in heaven)....but my imagination for heaven never goes too far because I get as far as seeing Jesus, seeing the Father and feeling safe....I can't even really honestly begin to imagine the rest...
(note: this has three songs and discussion between each one, so skip over the songs if you like but if you're reading the blog you may as well read the bits inbetween!)
MercyMe - I can only imagine
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRPGRdbGHSs
"I Can Only Imagine"
I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine
[Chorus:]
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine
[Chorus]
I can only imagine [x2]
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you
So I work on getting past what I imagine is a safe and wonderful place of heaven (after I'm through being scared to death that maybe I'll end up in hell, yes I do fear that even though I have NO reason to)....and then again I struggle more and more with being here...I love this next song because it reminds me that it's okay that my "home" on this earth is like a rental...a place that God gives me to steward and use wisely, but its not permanent, its not my final home...it's okay to not be so settled here, it's okay to throw away STUFF (because it ain't coming to heaven with me anyway) and it's okay to have a loose hold on life here, life can be cut short by anything, it can be turned around in a heartbeat. My life is constantly be shaken and stirred....like being in a washing machine then chucked in a dryer....or a better metaphor is maybe being stuck in donuts in the surf at the beach, never knowing what way is up....all I gotta know is that eventually I'll be going HOME, my final home, my true home...this is just my temporary home...
Carrie Underwood - Temporary Home
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LraOiHUltak
"Temporary Home"
Little boy, six years old
A little too used to being alone
Another new mom and dad
Another school, another house that will never be home
When people ask him how he likes this place
He looks up and says with a smile upon his face
This is my temporary home, it's not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I'm passing through
This is just a stop on the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know
This is my temporary home
Young mom, on her own
She needs a little help, got nowhere to go
She's looking for a job, looking for a way out
'Cause a halfway house will never be a home
At night she whispers to her baby girl
"Someday we'll find our place here in this world"
This is our temporary home, it's not where we belong
Windows and rooms that we're passing through
This is just a stop on the way to where we're going
I'm not afraid because I know
This is our temporary home
Old man, hospital bed
The room is filled with people he loves
And he whispers
"Don't cry for me, I'll see you all someday"
He looks up and says
"I can see God's face"
This is my temporary home, it's not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I'm passing through
This was just a stop on the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know
This was my temporary home
This is our temporary home
So I settle a bit because I realise that the pain, the agony, the darkness, none of it permanent. Remember the song from yesterday? The song from just above? I'll see people again, people I miss, people I didn't get to say goodbye to, people that I did but miss terribly....even my beautiful cats that have gone to be with heaven (and don't even start a theological debate on that one, I know I'm right!)....I get homesick because I want to be there too...I want the pain and the darkness and the difficulty to stop....but remember what I said yesterday? We all have something to offer and we don't go home until God calls us home and sometimes some people might cause God to shift and take them home earlier then he intended for whatever reason but ultimately I've seen his miracles and I'm alive and I probably shouldn't be, so even in that pain and darkness, I need to keep seeing the joy and the heaven that is hidden in this earth....but I'm still homesick, I still long to be with the one that has never ever judged me, never given up on me, never made me feel guilty, never walked away from me...He's wiped tears from my face when no one else is present, he's taken the pain away so I could keep breathing, He's given me people to support me when I couldn't do it myself...how could I NOT want to go HOME? But my cry is this, for the Lord to help me because I can't exist like this without you and I need you, in the darkness AND the light, I need to know where to go, what to do, I need to know your presence, I need to know your stewardship, i need to know your grace, your love, your life, your presence, I need to know that when the right time comes you'll carry me home...
MercyMe - Homesick
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvhrPMJe8LE
"Homesick"
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
So I was going to write about singleness and marriage and I'll get there but I just watched a story and now I have two topics I'd rather talk about, one I've talked about before but needs talking about lots so you get to hear it again, the other is new.
I have this general philosophy that I try to tell people (when I feel the timing is right) the things I believe they should hear if I was given a death sentence. I don't want anyone to miss what is important and what *I* believe is my contribution to maybe what is important in their life....even if they don't need to hear it when I think they do, I hope that they'll remember it when it does become important. As part of this I set up a scrapbooking project to write some letters...the project is still underway. But just now I watched a video on a teenager dying from cancer and what he's learnt is important to him. It's a great video and I'll give you the link in just a second. He talks about how we just need to help people be happy. I kinda agree with that but I also think that really, here we do what we're meant to do....sometimes its actually not about being happy, sometimes its about just being a shoulder for someone to listen to, sometimes its about giving away a compliment to a stranger on a train (yes I do do that), sometimes it's just about living your life in teh fullest way possible whether someone is watching or not...you never know who is watching around a corner and the Lord of All is always watching from above.
When the earth was created, it was perfect. But we're told heaven is amazing, perfection complete...but its not perfection because it's got better trees or streets of gold or anything like that, its because the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit reside there....yes they are here on earth but its different, there there is NO sun! That's right NO SUN! THEY light up the world. But because this earth was once perfect, even though its broken now and run by broken people (which we all are), we can still see glimpses of heaven and for me I think that comes from doing what we're meant to do in life, whether that's making people happy, being a light to someone else in a dark time, being a shoulder to cry on or just plain being an example of self love and acceptance (yes an irony coming from me - but I AM working on it).
A wise man once told me to not try to rush out of earth because earth is actually a pretty good place. Oh the irony. Now if this came from someone with no lived experience of darkness I'd probably just have ignored him, but he suffered depression, major depression, while in a different country, while studying the Theology of Joy (oh HIS irony in that!) But through his learning about joy, coming back to Australia, taking me under his wing and teaching me....I learnt that God didn't create me because he HAD to or because he got bored one day and thought, "Oh I'll create Anya today" he created me out of JOY. Not because I had to be anything in particular but simply because I was His, His joy - His joy on this earth. Now I get to live on this earth and my gift back to Him is to a) try to be joyful in all that is given to me and b) try to do all he calls me to, something I do struggle with. I don't know why God brings us into this earth before we go to heaven, I just do not know but I know that I need to stop seeing earth as the enemy and start seeing the good parts that are there as best I can, one bit at a time. I'm better at this sometimes then others.
I will say, having me/cfs makes me realise something though, as you watch Zach's video I think that he looks like he has so much energy and he has awesome family and friend support so it's easier for him. Easier for someone dying? Are you kidding me I can hear you say! But when you have NO energy and little family support it IS harder, it IS harder to be brighter every day and it IS harder to exist, to see the good stuff and to participate in life...but not impossible. I think sometimes we need to just change our focus a bit and not focus on what we can't do, which may be a lot but focus on what we can do....even if that is learning one french word a day! Or sending one short message to someone to remind them that we're thinking of them, loving them and care about them. So many little things we cna do even when we're exhausted, worn out or just too plain bogged down in the difficulties of life and/or physical and/or mental illness. We can all offer something, even if its truth, we can all ofter people a kind welcoming heart, we can all offer a smile even if its weak and difficult to produce.
After you decide whether to watch Zach's story or not (it's 22 minutes long), I have put in a video by Carrie Underwood. It talks about how we'll see people again. Part of the video indicates that we'll see people again in this life time like an appointment a dear friend of mine has in Haiti with a beautiful baby girl Alaine (check out OperationLoveAlaine on Facebook for more information) or whether it's when we see people again in heaven. You might not believe in heaven, you might be undecided....I can't say what hell is like, but I DO believe in a God that has the capacity to save everyone, even those people we do not think should be saved...I also can't say whether that will happen or not, I just am saying I believe in a God who has the capacity to do that and therefore we may see all our loved and lost ones again). I hope you enjoy it.
Anyway, here is Zach's story
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NjKgV65fpo&feature=youtu.be
Carrie Underwood - See you again
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTnWFT3DvVA
Lyrics... "See You Again" Said goodbye, turned around
Today has been a long long day. I don't mind except that I'm pretty worn out and exhausted. Last night I got some confusing perplexing news. What I was told by one doctor was completely changed (COMPLETELY) when communicated to another doctor and the result was me in tears, ringing my psychiatrist bawlling to her on the phone for about 30 minutes. Today my eyes still hurt from so much crying. The problem for me with this major change in what they want to do is that I can't actually do it which could result in pain beyond what I can cope with which ultimately results in me feeling and acting in a very suicidal manner. For those that don't know, people with chronic pain (especially if its inappropriately controlled) are 30 times more likely to take their life via suicide. That's quite a high statistic. And in my case its all very unnecessary, I don't understand whats going on. It's stressful.
Yesterday I also found out that the Office of Housing wants me to put a different region on my form which is okay except I REALLY do not want to live in that region. I want to stay in the region I'm in now. I know the trains and buses, I know where to walk, I don't have access to all the nice restaurants like I did in my former location but still its familiar and safe and feels the most like home of any other suburb in the area that we live.
So I exist in this panic about what is going to happen and whether I can cope.
I know that some people would think I was selfish for even thinking about something like suicide in advance, they don't understand is what it coems down to. A lot of people say they do...but they don't because if they understood they wouldn't do things to inhibit it when it becomes (IF it becomes) necessary. Who knows, maybe my meds will all get sorted out easily and its all a mute point. I don't know.
But something happened today that made me feel good and give me some hope of just connecting and being cared for. It's so random it might not even make sense. But I got to the place where I was meant to catch up with someone and I fell asleep on the little couch. I was asleep for almost 2.5 hours plus another 30 minutes later on. I wasn't woken or stirred. I had a kitten tucked in with me keeping me a bit warmer and company. Then when I was awake, I was very politely and kindly given some herbal tea (oops a bit hot to begin with but nice to drink once it had cooled down) and some toast. This person was going above and beyond in caring for me. When I had to leave even then they put their conversation on pause and said goodbye for the day. It as all so simple, but so nice. So so nice to be in one of the safest places I have and just REST, just stop and chill out. I wasn't stressed that we weren't talking as was the plan, I wasn't stressed that I was eating and drinking....I just felt so much compassion and being cared for, it was nice.
I KNOW that people care about me....but something I'm strruggling with lately is that I am expected to fit into their idea of a friend or their idea of how things work but I'm not really allowed to have my own opinions....it makes friendships hard when that respect isn't very strong. It's tricky too because lots of people I know are hurt, sick or broken and they don't take criticisim very well, they either can't understand it or they get hurt by it, neither are my intent. But I need people to understand ME, all of me too (or at least all the parts I reveal to them) and accept ME as I am....someone who sometimes needs safe sleep more than a conversation.... (Note: I also need to find a way to be a bit less bitchy when people don't listen to me or understand me as I seem to have very little threshold right now.)
A song I once used to listen to a lot over and over for hours in a dissociated state... I want to share it with you.... life is hopeless and things we do are helpless....but ultimately there is one person that can help us and take us from the maddness, the craziness....into the light. (Please note the youtube video may be triggering for some people.)
She's never been lonelier. And the world's closing in on her. Maybe she should just end it all, she can't take anymore. Now the dark clouds are everywhere, And her broken heart hasn't got a prayer.
Oo, life ain't fair in a world gone mad.
She never knew love before. And he's a boy that she's fighting for. Doesn't matter that her momma says, "He's a love you're goin' lose." She never listen to her momma now, It's her life, she'll make it work somehow. She wants a boy and she wants him now, In a world gone mad.
Chorus: In a world gone mad, It's a choice you can be the chooser. In a world gone mad, Be a winner or be a loser. You can do as you please, be it good or bad. In a world gone mad.
I never knew who my father was, Never knew when it all because He left a long time ago, to chase the wild wind that blows. It's the rage that I feel tonight, It's the anger that makes me want to fight. I'm goin' live my life in a world gone mad.
Oh, oh, oh. In a world gone mad, Oh, oh, oh. It's a choice you can be the chooser. In a world gone mad, Be a winner or be a loser. You can do as you please, be it good or bad. Yeah, In a world gone mad.
There's a truth that can answer lies; There's a love you can recognize. He came a long time ago for the good and the bad. He's the way you can make things right; He's the only truth in the darkened night. My only prayer dispite this world gone mad.
Oh, oh, oh. In a world gone mad, There is hope for the broken hearted. Oh, oh, oh. In a world gone mad, There is truth that can get you started. This love's going to guide you, to know the good from the bad. Oh! Oh yeah, in a world gone mad!
Oh, oh, oh. In a world gone mad, There is hope for the broken hearted. Oh, oh, oh. In a world gone mad, There is truth that can get you started. This love's going to guide you, to know the good from the bad. Yeah! Oh, in a world gone mad.
So for the past few years I've been living at a place called EPH. I spend time there and time at my mum's house. Ideally I'd love to have my own two bedroom unit but given I'm on the list for public housing, I'm only eligible for a one bedroom unit if I live on my own, but now as my mother is listed as my carer in a formal capacity, she and I can move into a two bedroom unit. However, my time for living at EPH has run out and now I need to find another place to stay put until the Office of Public Housing finds myself or mum and I a place to live. I've been waiting for two years already....I'm sick of waiting, I want a home. I want a perfect home. So really I'd rather be given a perfect home by someone who doesn't need to live there and a place where I can be at peace and I don't have to jump through constant hoops. Sometimes I want to get married, but not so I can be married but just so I can have someone financially support me and provide me with a house to live in! How's that for the idea of love! (I'll write more on marriage another day.)
So right now, I'm exhausted. I've just finished my university semester and after crashing my car, I'm left to public transport, taxi's and walking to get around which just makes me more exhausted really. But I need to pack up my room at EPH and move. Stressful much? Absolutely. I have two amazing friends willing to help do the heavy lifting and help me move. Both these guys are amazing in their generosity to me and just in who they are as people, so I'm thankful for their help. But somehow I still need to pack everything up. Not sure how to manage all this, I HATE packing and then I have to actually choose a move out date and cut my ties with EPH and just do it. Even though I'm not EPH's biggest fan, cutting the ties is still stressful, its like my safety net is cut. What if things go horribly wrong? And it is very possible that they will. How will I cope then? Where will I go? What will I do? I thought through some worst case scenario's already and worked out some plans....but they're not things I want to act on, especially coming into winter.
Then there is just all this stuff around living. I desperately want to start my new exercise regime....but its hard to just breathe. It's hard to leave my bed, let alone the house. I want to be good, I want to be fit, I want to be strong....but I can barely breathe. I'm sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of how fat and ugly I look, I'm sick of it all....breathing is hard work and yet I HAVE to organise all this other stuff, I HAVE to organise moving out and cleaning up rooms and space and everything.....and I just want to hide deep under the covers, be invisible...not need anyone, instead of my increasing dependency on people. None of this is great or helpful. Just so messed up. I want to be useful to people but I can barely even look after myself. I can pray for people and that's about all I do....pray and at least let them know (sometimes anyway) that I care about them no matter what and that I WILL do whatever I can within my ability to help them....even when I want to be invisible and hide under the covers.
I just have to exist somehow, I'm not sure how but somehow. So right now I'm sorry for the slow blogs. I'm just working on breathing and trying to plan at the same time. Step by step....
