MY username for many things is Telstaar. It translates to "Star at the end of the sky" and often in my life I have come across people (typically females but some guys too) that are at the end of their rope, like a light at the end of a sky. Those feeling rejected, the people that others have given up on, or about to give up on or sometimes just the people that others give up on along the way, those feeling out of hope. I've seen people steal cars, do drugs, run away from home, be raped, hold the hand of a child while she was told her brother was murdered, listen to a sobbing 17 yo over the phone from a closet who found her father released home from prison after killing her mother by cracking her skull open on a toilet seat.... I currently have friends infected with deadly viruses through NO fault of their own, I have friends dying of eating disorders, organ failure, in hospital with desperate and deep depression that they are so suicidal they cannot be let out on leave, many friends attempting suicide through all sorts of creative means, friends with bipolar, schizophrenia, people who literally feel that they're losing their minds, listened to friends sobbing as they tell me about their history of abuse and trauma they've gone through and even more day to day things like relationship difficulties that are just as devastating in different ways. I've also witnessed drug addicts get pregnant and turn their lives around by having babies and people miscarry much wanted pregnancies. Not much shocks me anymore, it really doesn't. I don't say all this to shock you, I say all this because I want you all to know that your stories aren't alone! YOU ARE NOT ALONE! and YOU ARE NOT DAMAGED GOODS!
For some amazing reason I am blessed and honoured with the ability to be trusted with your deepest secrets and fears at your most hurting moments. I've sat with you in emergency departments or psych hospitals or just at midnight on the phone. I've listened to you guys cry or emailled you or had sms conversations with you. I don't think there is really any person in my life that I don't care about with the deepest empathy. I've seen people tear other people apart and yet I still love them and desperately want whats best for them, I can't just leave them alone. I might not go jumping in head first to try to save the day (that is not always my roll and that could make things worse for people) but I do what I can, (which for me is sometimes just to pray and pray and pray some more) and sometimes its just being here so that if someone int he past wants me to be there to listen to them unconditionally without having to explain and absence that that's okay. And sometimes I get tired and grumpy and I think, "What about me?"
The thing is....much to the disappointment of my psychiatrist (I think) I can't just say no to these desperate people because for most of these amazing wonderful BEAUTIFUL people, by the time they call me, I know that they don't have many avenues left. Pretty much everyone who contacts me is struggling in some way, not always, sometimes its just a catch up and that's cool too, I love that.... I'm certainly not in the friendships just for the crisis situations, catch ups are great and they are what inspires everyone to get well....but at the end of the day I think that if I can be that person that people know they can turn to when everything is going to shit then that isn't actually a bad thing. For me *I* get my strength from Jesus. Now lots of people might not want to hear that because it might just be too religious to hear, but I'm a human being and as a human being, I have limits and limitations too....but when push comes to shove, if I really really have to do something in some way, the strength comes from Jesus. However, it's soo much more than this as to WHY I can do this I think....
See when I see someone, I don't see their screw ups or as the case may be the things that screwed them over...those things suck and are tragic, they can lead to poor judgement and mess the person around, but I see them as a human being and they are perfectly perfect and if I can help them learn to be the best person that THEY are created to be, then I've done my job as a friend. See I don't need to create mini-me's. I need to help them to discover who THEY want and need to me. One girl that I helped out for a long time I count as a bit of a "success" if she doesn't mind that.....she disagrees with me openly on lots of things! But the point is, she CAN disagree with me and she knows that I'll love her just as much anyway. She doesn't need my approval to live my life. She might ask my opinion and she might consider that opinion but then she moves forward and makes her own decisions. She's not always "Perfect" by the worlds standards of getting everything right and never making mistakes but she's perfect in who she is and in living her life and not compromising her own integrity for other people. She considers other people, she is kind to other people, she listens to the wisdom of other people and then she makes her own informed choices. I think that is good.
See when I see all these broken people before me, and they ARE broken, very broken, hurting and sad, so sad....and broken and sad for a very good many reasons....I don't just see the breaks and the cracks and try to fix that, I see who they were, who they are and who they can be....not just by what *I* think they can be but bit by bit by who THEY start to tell me who they can be. Which is a bit of a journey because sometimes those people don't know themselves. I won't give up on someone. I don't always know what to do with someone, but I won't give up on them....even those I see hurting others, I won't give up on them because they all deserve someone who can see them as Pink so eloquently states, Fuckin' Perfect.
I really like this song because I think we all make wrong turns and I think we all end up misunderstood either by the wrong turns we make or by what happens to us....I think most people who are hurting are misunderstood but we've all survived, we're all here, broken or not, we're all perfect in our own way, we just need to find our own way of being OURSELF and showing that to everyone else.
So in closing, I am still chasing down my demons but to my girls I love you, I think you're perfect and I'm here, I'll never give up on you, EVER, no matter what, no matter what you do or what is done to you, EVER, this life and into the next, I'm here as best I can be if you want me.
(NB. The Video clip may be triggering for some people but I do suggest watching it if you can)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ocDlOD1Hw9k
Fuckin' Perfect - Pink
Made a wrong turn once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good'
It didn't slow me down.
Mistaken, always second guessing
Underestimated, look I'm still around
Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me
You're so mean (so mean) when you talk (when you talk)
About yourself. You were wrong.
Change the voices (change the voices) in your head (in your head)
Make them like you instead.
So complicated,
Look how we all make it.
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It's enough, I've done all I could think of
Chased down all my demons
I've seen you do the same
(Oh oh)
Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me
The whole world's scared, so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in lying and we try, try, try but we try too hard
And it's a waste of my time.
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that, why do I do that (why do I do that)?
(Yeah! Oh!)
I'm pretty, pretty, pretty
Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me
(You're perfect, you're perfect)
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me.
Nb. This post was written by Telle not Ana but you can still email Ana or me at anameredith@gmail.com if you want or need to talk.
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