Last year a young lady Kayley followed me on instagram, as I am, I check out people before I say they can follow me and I have no idea how she followed me but she did and my life was changed forever. I followed her back (something I don't automatically do) and we got to talking. Firstly just in responses on posts, then in DM's and then by email....from approximately the start of May last year (2015) I started writing to Kayley almost every day by email. See this girl had Leukaemia and was really sick. The entire time I knew her she was in hospital. To be honest, what started us talking privately was that I wanted to buy her a colouring book! We worked out how to get it to her but then the first of many hurdles in my time came along and she was on the ventilator....her parents not knowing whether to turn it off or keep fighting...things weren't looking good. But she is an absolutely fighter. So after a bit we exchanged our REAL names and hers is Amelia Kate. Perfect for her :). Amelia was only 16 when I met her but she had started towards her dreams of working in the medical field as a paediatric nurse or doctor. I would email her just about the randomness of my day trying as best as I could to be supportive but also bring a little of the outside world into the ICU where she was caged. She fought so hard every day, in so much pain and so sick and so many struggles, but she kept going.
She was of huge encouragement to me, wanting to know what I was planning to do with my life and what I was doing to get there. She believed in me. She believed I could do it. In her final letter she told me not to close my heart but to keep reaching out online because I had made a huge difference in her life. And so I have. I don't know what differences I'm making, I'm just trying to believe that there is a difference being made. It's so hard to believe that we can make a difference in the lives of people we've never seen face to face but I can tell you that she was just as much my sister as my actual sister. In her final email to me she wrote that she had hoped that I would meet her face to face on this earth (and how I LONGED for that too) but that apparently God had different plans for us. So she's with the faithful now watching over me in the cloud of witnesses.
Amelia died on the 16th December at 5pm when complications from the leukaemia claimed her life. All day I felt my heart breaking waiting and hoping for the message that a miracle had come through and she had survived but knowing that it was so highly unlikely. And I miss her. I know she is in a better place but I miss her.
So what now? Firstly I heard this song on my iPod which I played over and over again.....for so many people for so many reasons, looking at a whole day is too hard, this song talks about it just being 5 minutes at a time and that is how I've survived so far, just 5 minutes at a time.
5 Minutes at a Time - Superchick Life is hard, but it's been a little harder than usual lately I wish I knew why I am struggling through this What makes it harder is the lack of understanding on my part Could I have changed this, why am I fighting life so hard?
How long can I survive this? I'm losing the strength to try Tell me how am I supposed to live through this? How do we get by?
We take one breath and let it out We take another and maybe somehow everything will work out to be just fine We take life 5 minutes at a time
One breath and let it out We take another and maybe somehow everything will work out to be just fine We take life 5 minutes at a time
Life is hard - it didn't turn out like I hoped it would be And I don't dare to dream if dreaming leads to this 'Cause when it's left to me, it's hard to see past the sky becoming dark If it makes no difference, why am I trying to do my part?
I've climbed back from that fall again it feels like a hundred times How do I believe in a hundred and one when we stumbled the ninety-nine?
We take one breath and let it out We take another and maybe somehow everything will work out to be just fine We take life 5 minutes at a time
One breath and let it out We take another and maybe somehow everything will work out to be just fine We take life 5 minutes at a time
To go on living when all you've lived for is gone To find faith when everything you know about life might be wrong To find hope in the dark, to still believe there's a dawn This is the courage to make a life, it is the strength to go on
We take one breath and let it out We take another and maybe somehow everything will work out to be just fine We take life 5 minutes at a time
One breath and let it out We take another and maybe somehow everything will work out to be just fine We take life 5 minutes at a time
It is so easy to get overwhelmed in this fast paced world. There is always something going on somewhere, a tragedy, a struggle, a celebration....a torrent of emotions tumbling through our world causing us physically and emotionally to go into overload very quickly. When you're suffering from trauma that tends to happen more easily and it's easy to be traumatised by this world and by life. During admissions up to TDU (the Trauma and Dissociation Unit) one of the amazing nurses there would constantly tell us to BREATHE.
One particular day I asked her if I could skip the rest of group and go to my room. I was on the verge of breaking to pieces and she could see it. She wanted to talk, I wanted to run. As she literally chased me down in the corridor and sat me down and I sobbed away in front of her (not something I do all that easily), she sat with me and when I was ready she encouraged me to breathe. Just breathe. Not deep breathing necessarily, although sometimes a well placed deep breath just slows us down to allow us to return to normal breathing, but just breathing, in and out. The other thing breathing does though, in its amazing wisdom is, it allows us to take the world at just that moment in time. Instead of being overwhelmed by the next hour or day or week or month, or however far ahead in time we are being overwhelmed by, we are bought back to just that moment in time and we can live there. Then we can move forward.
We need to remember to breathe so we can remember that sometimes we don't need to live in the future but just that minute in time, that we'll be okay and everything else will work itself out. We DO need to keep making decisions as we go along and we make those decisions at the time with the best information we have available to us at that time, sometimes the decision is to not make a decision then and sometimes it is to finalise a decision altogether. But we breathe, and make the decision and we move forward, just living every minute or maybe 5 minutes at a time. Remember to just breathe.
Five Minutes at a Time - Superchick
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqyB91HdvZ4
Five Minutes at a Time - Superchick
Life is hard, but it's been a little harder than usual lately
I wish I knew why I am struggling through this
What makes it harder is the lack of understanding on my part
Could I have changed this, why am I fighting life so hard?
How long can I survive this? I'm losing the strength to try
Tell me how am I supposed to live through this? How do we get by?
We take one breath and let it out
We take another and maybe somehow everything will work out to be just fine
We take life 5 minutes at a time
Life is hard - it didn't turn out like I hoped it would be
And I don't dare to dream if dreaming leads to this
'Cause when it's left to me, it's hard to see past the sky becoming dark
If it makes no difference, why am I trying to do my part?
I've climbed back from that fall again it feels like a hundred times
How do I believe in a hundred and one when we stumbled the ninety-nine?
To go on living when all you've lived for is gone
To find faith when everything you know about life might be wrong
To find hope in the dark, to still believe there's a dawn
This is the courage to make a life, it is the strength to go on
Things have been tricky lately. Unending anxiety, unending fatigue, panic over whether I'd be starting uni placement in the next day or two...would I have to be changing my life around with little warning? What if it didn't happen? What if it did? So much stress. Then I heard this song...
"Just Be Held" Hold it all together Everybody needs you strong But life hits you out of nowhere And barely leaves you holding on And when you're tired of fighting Chained by your control There's freedom in surrender Lay it down and let it go Chorus So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held Just be held, just be held If your eyes are on the storm You'll wonder if I love you still But if your eyes are on the cross You'll know I always have and I always will And not a tear is wasted In time, you'll understand I'm painting beauty with the ashes Your life is in My hands Lift your hands, lift your eyes In the storm is where you'll find Me And where you are, I'll hold your heart I'll hold your heart Come to Me, find your rest In the arms of the God who wont let go I wish I could say that the song took away the panic and the worry of what would happen, it didn't but it did help. It reminded me that sometimes I need to call "Plot twist" and keep going and I've certainly had enough plot twists this week. Sometimes we need to remember who is in control and sometimes we need to just be held by God and trust that its all okay. As I believe in God, I also believe that he has a plan for my life and even when I can't see it, I need to keep hanging on to the idea that things are working out for his glory and within his grace. Not everyone reading this believes in God and while I'd love you to know the same God that I know, I think that a similar priniciple still applies, that you might still need to be held by someone else for awhile. When the sky is dark with storm clouds, sometimes you might need to just be held by a good friend or a partner or even metaphorically held by a counsellor or a teacher or a nurse or someone else that can just help to lift that burden for a little while. We can't do this life on our own and we often need to trust in those around us that they can see what we can't see and trust in their wisdom and advice that things will be okay. They might not look okay and they might not all go the way we want them to or the way we think that they should, but eventually things will be okay, and sometimes we just need to be held and looked after and that is okay. We don't have to do this life stuff on our own....and we shouldn't be trying to do this on our own.
Christmas is a time of year that a significant part of the Western world celebrates in some way shape or form, whether it be as a day off, some presents, gathering together of friends or family or as remembering the birth of Christ. It's busy at shopping centres, in car parks, on the roads and life in general gets more hectic buying presents and Christmas "break up parties" and get togethers of people "celebrating" Christmastime. Some people are happier, some people are meaner, some people fluctuate between the two. Whatever Christmas means to you, its likely to come with a mix of emotions for all sorts of reasons.
This year I'm spending Christmas on my own. I've done this before so its not the end of the world. For me I love Christmas eve and the wee hours of Christmas morning when I wake up early in the early morning light and read the Christmas story in the Book of Luke in my blue leather bound Bible, quietly and enjoy everything, all the anticipation is there and nothing has gone wrong yet....but as for Christmas day, I struggle. I don't know why I dislike Christmas as much as I do, there have been some remarkably horrible Christmas' in my family with huge blowouts, leaving immediate family members behind as we went to "family" Christmas lunch, having other family members being called a "dog" in the most derogatory of terms, violence occurring, emotional abuse and that is just to start with...I'm quite sure there is plenty of stuff that I don't remember and I'm okay with not remember horrible stuff. But I don't think that Christmas itself has ever been so very terrible that I should dread it as much as I do. But whatever, it is what it is. Each year I try to plan a way to make it through the day without wanting to sink into a deep enduring depression.
Why would Christmas make me depressed? For me, its partly the expectation that yet another day that is supposed to be full of family and friends and joy and good things did not quite go to plan and I feel like something else has been lost and can't be gotten back. It's also that much closer to a new year and that is even worse then Christmas because it feels like another year I've wasted and not accomplished enough....this year feels a bit harder than others because I simply don't remember a lot of the year...it feels like it was almost this time last year that I was planning on going to the Christmas Eve service at the local Anglican Church for midnight mass! Where did the time go?
For all this though, every year, my mind and body shows a remarkable resolve to recover because I love Christmas eve (although I admit I'm a little anxious about tomorrow)...the anticipation that things COULD go well and be fantastic each year holds me out. I try to sit down and watch the Carols on the TV, I go to bed, I plan everything out...no matter how much anxiety I have about Christmas, I still get caught in the excitement of Christmas, at least for a day.
I write all this to tell a bit of my story but also to highlight that there are people out there that might not have an ideal Christmas. Yeah we hear about them, but do we ever really understand them? There are more of us then you realise. People with families but for one reason or another cannot spend time with their family at Christmas. It might be due to abuse, it might be due to distance, it might be due to complicated relationships, it might be due to illness, they might be homeless or poor and cannot afford Christmas...so many reasons that cause issues with connecting with family at Christmas time. These people might smile at you and make out that all is well, and go home and feel so miserable on their own. They might not want to explain the reasons why they're alone. If you're able to, many of these people might desperately want an invite to join you in your plans, even if they end up saying no, even the invite is welcome.
Everyone deserves to be smiled at and cared for and loved and what a better time to demonstrate that then at Christmastime, irrespective of whether or not you are a Christian and whether or not you are having a good Christmas or not. If we all pull together we can revolutionise Christmas and maybe just maybe make it better for everyone, including those that can't be with friends and family on this day.
Caveat - I am blessed by the friends who remember me with cards and presents and gentleness and all the kindness that they demonstrate to me in what they do throughout the year and at christmas time. It definitely makes this time of year brighter.
(Note: Sorry for any loss of eloquence in writing this, I'm extremely tired!)
I'm in the middle of doing some assignments right now and so probably won't be back to wow you with my wonderful opinionated and thoughtful blogging skills for another few weeks and then I have some ideas on which to unleash to the world wide web :). We'll be talking on everything from eating disorders to chronic pain, to homelessness to surfing to tinkerbell and disney movies!
So just as an interlude and a bit of a laugh I thought I'd share one of my favourite YouTube video's. I found this a few years ago somehow. You may have seen it before, you might not have. Now I'm NOT advocating this as a serious way of dealing with problems at all, its just a fun video/skit that makes me laugh at things and reminds me not to take everything quite so seriously all the time.
If you're going through a hard time (or maybe find this triggering, which you shouldn't), please ask for help of someone, somewhere. There are some help numbers of my resources page, but if none of them fit you shoot me an email at anameredith@gmail.com and I'll try to hunt a number or webpage down for you to contact.
In the meantime....
Stop it by Bob Newhart and Mo Collins
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sAQGY0rVWHI
This post may come across as a little hypocritical because I'm still healing and I'm far from perfect and I'm far from accepting all the things I'm about to write about here....but I'm NOT far from accepting that I need people in my life that believe this about me in my life and believe with all they have in them...so maybe its not so hypocritical afterall.
MY username for many things is Telstaar. It translates to "Star at the end of the sky" and often in my life I have come across people (typically females but some guys too) that are at the end of their rope, like a light at the end of a sky. Those feeling rejected, the people that others have given up on, or about to give up on or sometimes just the people that others give up on along the way, those feeling out of hope. I've seen people steal cars, do drugs, run away from home, be raped, hold the hand of a child while she was told her brother was murdered, listen to a sobbing 17 yo over the phone from a closet who found her father released home from prison after killing her mother by cracking her skull open on a toilet seat.... I currently have friends infected with deadly viruses through NO fault of their own, I have friends dying of eating disorders, organ failure, in hospital with desperate and deep depression that they are so suicidal they cannot be let out on leave, many friends attempting suicide through all sorts of creative means, friends with bipolar, schizophrenia, people who literally feel that they're losing their minds, listened to friends sobbing as they tell me about their history of abuse and trauma they've gone through and even more day to day things like relationship difficulties that are just as devastating in different ways. I've also witnessed drug addicts get pregnant and turn their lives around by having babies and people miscarry much wanted pregnancies. Not much shocks me anymore, it really doesn't. I don't say all this to shock you, I say all this because I want you all to know that your stories aren't alone! YOU ARE NOT ALONE! and YOU ARE NOT DAMAGED GOODS!
For some amazing reason I am blessed and honoured with the ability to be trusted with your deepest secrets and fears at your most hurting moments. I've sat with you in emergency departments or psych hospitals or just at midnight on the phone. I've listened to you guys cry or emailled you or had sms conversations with you. I don't think there is really any person in my life that I don't care about with the deepest empathy. I've seen people tear other people apart and yet I still love them and desperately want whats best for them, I can't just leave them alone. I might not go jumping in head first to try to save the day (that is not always my roll and that could make things worse for people) but I do what I can, (which for me is sometimes just to pray and pray and pray some more) and sometimes its just being here so that if someone int he past wants me to be there to listen to them unconditionally without having to explain and absence that that's okay. And sometimes I get tired and grumpy and I think, "What about me?"
The thing is....much to the disappointment of my psychiatrist (I think) I can't just say no to these desperate people because for most of these amazing wonderful BEAUTIFUL people, by the time they call me, I know that they don't have many avenues left. Pretty much everyone who contacts me is struggling in some way, not always, sometimes its just a catch up and that's cool too, I love that.... I'm certainly not in the friendships just for the crisis situations, catch ups are great and they are what inspires everyone to get well....but at the end of the day I think that if I can be that person that people know they can turn to when everything is going to shit then that isn't actually a bad thing. For me *I* get my strength from Jesus. Now lots of people might not want to hear that because it might just be too religious to hear, but I'm a human being and as a human being, I have limits and limitations too....but when push comes to shove, if I really really have to do something in some way, the strength comes from Jesus. However, it's soo much more than this as to WHY I can do this I think....
See when I see someone, I don't see their screw ups or as the case may be the things that screwed them over...those things suck and are tragic, they can lead to poor judgement and mess the person around, but I see them as a human being and they are perfectly perfect and if I can help them learn to be the best person that THEY are created to be, then I've done my job as a friend. See I don't need to create mini-me's. I need to help them to discover who THEY want and need to me. One girl that I helped out for a long time I count as a bit of a "success" if she doesn't mind that.....she disagrees with me openly on lots of things! But the point is, she CAN disagree with me and she knows that I'll love her just as much anyway. She doesn't need my approval to live my life. She might ask my opinion and she might consider that opinion but then she moves forward and makes her own decisions. She's not always "Perfect" by the worlds standards of getting everything right and never making mistakes but she's perfect in who she is and in living her life and not compromising her own integrity for other people. She considers other people, she is kind to other people, she listens to the wisdom of other people and then she makes her own informed choices. I think that is good.
See when I see all these broken people before me, and they ARE broken, very broken, hurting and sad, so sad....and broken and sad for a very good many reasons....I don't just see the breaks and the cracks and try to fix that, I see who they were, who they are and who they can be....not just by what *I* think they can be but bit by bit by who THEY start to tell me who they can be. Which is a bit of a journey because sometimes those people don't know themselves. I won't give up on someone. I don't always know what to do with someone, but I won't give up on them....even those I see hurting others, I won't give up on them because they all deserve someone who can see them as Pink so eloquently states, Fuckin' Perfect.
I really like this song because I think we all make wrong turns and I think we all end up misunderstood either by the wrong turns we make or by what happens to us....I think most people who are hurting are misunderstood but we've all survived, we're all here, broken or not, we're all perfect in our own way, we just need to find our own way of being OURSELF and showing that to everyone else.
So in closing, I am still chasing down my demons but to my girls I love you, I think you're perfect and I'm here, I'll never give up on you, EVER, no matter what, no matter what you do or what is done to you, EVER, this life and into the next, I'm here as best I can be if you want me.
(NB. The Video clip may be triggering for some people but I do suggest watching it if you can)
Fuckin' Perfect - Pink Made a wrong turn once or twice Dug my way out, blood and fire Bad decisions, that's alright Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood Miss 'No way, it's all good' It didn't slow me down. Mistaken, always second guessing Underestimated, look I'm still around
Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel Like you're less than fucking perfect Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me
You're so mean (so mean) when you talk (when you talk) About yourself. You were wrong. Change the voices (change the voices) in your head (in your head) Make them like you instead.
So complicated, Look how we all make it. Filled with so much hatred Such a tired game It's enough, I've done all I could think of Chased down all my demons I've seen you do the same (Oh oh)
Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel Like you're less than fucking perfect Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me
The whole world's scared, so I swallow the fear The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer So cool in lying and we try, try, try but we try too hard And it's a waste of my time. Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair Exchange ourselves and we do it all the time Why do we do that, why do I do that (why do I do that)?
(Yeah! Oh!) I'm pretty, pretty, pretty
Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel Like you're less than fucking perfect Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me (You're perfect, you're perfect) Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me. Nb. This post was written by Telle not Ana but you can still email Ana or me at anameredith@gmail.com if you want or need to talk.
I believe in angels. No not human beings that we label as "angels" because they do nice things for us or happen to turn up in our lives at that perfect moment and save the day but real life angels that are sent from heaven. I also believe in heaven and hell and thus I also believe in fallen angels, otherwise known as demons. But I"m not going to talk about demons today. I want to quickly talk a little about angels. You know that the Bible talks a lot about angels. In the book so Genesis (the very first book of the Bible if you're unsure of your way around a Bible, which lots of people are so no need to be ashamed if you have no idea!) God talks to us about a couple called Abraham and Sarah. They wanted a child badly but Sarah was past childbearing years and along come they people and Abraham invited them in and looked after them. They told him that Sarah was going to have a child and Sarah, hiding behind the tent flap (thinking she was away from them) laughed at them thinking they were crazy. Anyway to cut a long story short, they were messengers from God, they were Angels. Abraham and Sarah had been entertaining angels and not that much later Sarah gave birth to a baby boy.
The point of this story? Humans are not angels. Angels are not God. But but angels and God can look like humans (and so can the enemy but that is another story for another time). So next time you think of that person on the street or your next door neighbour or that weary traveller on the train that maybe needs the seat more than you or that homeless person that really could do with that $2 you have in your wallet....just think, you might actually be helping to entertain angels that you didn't even know were there.
Also think that sometimes as humans God uses us to do HIS work and the work of angels and to work alongside angels. Often the best way we can do the work we're called to do is by following that gentle pulling in our hearts to reach out to people in the best way we know how with all humility and gentleness and love. We most often tend to do with by practicing and using the skills we learn develop and love and we might find that we are often taught and guided by and learn from angels of all sizes along the way, some may come in the size of adults and some may come in the size of tiny humans, some may appear "disAbled" but never underestimated ANY human and therefore ANY potential angel... sometimes we are called to do things that are outside of our comfort zone and this is harder but sometimes the rewards are greater.
Always treat every person as though they were an angel because 1. every person deserves to be treated as though they amazing and unique human being that they are, 2. every person is created by a living God and is a prince or princess of the Most High God and 3. you never know when you might just be entertaining Angels.
You're a flower blooming in the new dawn The colors around the setting sun A candle in the dark And you're every sailors beacon on the shore You're every perfect metaphor
There's a culminating action of us all Sometimes there are miracles And our hands do the job For every action you move these thing along Everything you do moves these along
Angels are hiding in the motions of humans Angels are around to help us all We are angels hiding in the bones of humans Helping all these miracles along
There's a golden key that opens any lock The path to get the thing you want Is never really blocked And you're every persons' escort to the door And every other person is yours Every other person is yours
Angels are hiding in the motions of humans Angels are around to help us all We are angels hiding in the bones of humans Helping all these miracles along Along.
This story is about a young girl who gets a letter in the mail from a stranger and the letter intrigues her so much that she searches for its author and therein finds someone that encourages her and develops her in a way that no other person had yet done. She had had family and friends, as well as hurts and some negative personality traits but she was just a teenager trying to make her way through the world, messing up a bit here and there and not quite sure of herself....and this stranger helps her out. I won't say too much more but I recommending giving it viewing if you can :)
It got me thinking though...Everyone wants to make a difference in this world in some way and everyone wants to be recognised and valued. We're human beings and usually if we're seeking to be invisible its because the cruelty of the world has caused us to put so much of ourselves into hiding that there we are raw and the world HURTS. But essentially we all want to be loved and we all want to love, we all want to help and be helped...we're all human, we're all not perfect. But back to my point, we all want to make a difference. The thing is, so often we think that we gotta be in the spotlight to make that difference. Be on stage singing an amazing song that brings people to tears, or writing a book that people can't put down or defending the poor from injustice be it as a health worker a social worker a lawyer or an economist! There are so many things that we elevate in society as being "worthy" and "helpful" and "good" and we strive to be those elevated people....but at the end of the day...sometimes if we make a difference in just ONE PERSON we can make a difference in the world.
See if you're raising a child and you make a difference to your child, how do you know you're child won't become prime minister, or a doctor and save other lives? How do you know they won't save the life of another individual somewhere that in turn that will find a cure for eating disorders or a cancer? Then in the middle of the spectrum is if you're a friend....or what if just to a stranger, how do you know that by smiling at someone and just saying, "Hey you matter to me" That you didn't stop them from committing suicide (something you may never know but still happened never the less) and by stopping that you can stop untold ripple effects of tragedy.....so many things....positive and negative from making a difference in just one life. And if we make a difference in just one life in one day, imagine the impact that we can make in one life EACH AND EVERY DAY? Wow! Doesn't it start to blow your mind! AND IF we all did this, not only would we bless other people but we would start to find that we too would be blessed in return, not necessarily by the same people but by others. By this, I'm not talking about karma, I'm just talking about life in general.
One of the things that happens in the film is that the older gentleman talks about finding your true gift and using that, for him he writes notes and gives them to people he does not know as for him writing is something he is gifted in....This leads Maggie to find her own gift (which incidentally is not writing letters) and resolves relationships as well as helping her grow up and be more of the person she wants to be. It doesn't mean she's shielded from pain and suffering, if anything her heart is more open to it but she is also more able to deal with it. One man wrote to one girl and made a difference...that girl then turned around and made a difference in her world. We can be like that, we just need to find our gifts and not be afraid to use them.
Some people have gifts in words, music, mathematics, languages, caring, giving, finances, organising, cookery, problem solving, leadership, compassion, grace, encouragement, and in one case, even a gift of blood has made a difference and I"d like to share a real story...
A friend of mine went to Haiti over a year ago and while she was there met a young girl named Alaine. Alaine was expected to die and was denied blood by the Red Cross. Even though blood supply is low in Australia, it is absolutely dire in developing countries like Haiti. In spite of my friends own situation she gave of her own blood and Alaine lived. This was from first to love been a miracle of love, one that we all attribute to the grace of God but it is a gift and it's been the gifts of many that have come together to form Operation Love Alaine that has seen to food and money and water and other essential items being sent to Alaine, her little brother and her mother (who had lost 17 babies before Alaine!) to try and keep her well. The impact of loving ONE child has made an impact on other people, both in Western nations like Australia and the US through financial and prayer support and also to Alaine and her family and eventually to their town of Cazale. (Please note: Alaine is currently very ill and all prayers would be very welcome for her recovery and information as to her current situation)....if you'd like to support the cause of Operation Love Alaine or simply to get updates, please follow along on Facebook at Operation Love Alaine
So if you think that you cannot make a difference, I'm here to tell you that you can. You can always make a difference to at least one person and that one person will make a difference to at least one person.... The best way to do it is to find your talent and work with that, but don't stress too much about getting it right, just trust that talents are "gifts" and they are GIVEN and they are given at the right time if we trust. You are not a hopeless case, no matter what is going on for you, you can make a difference and the difference in even one life cannot be underestimated.
Last week I got to experience Scienceworks, a science museum for children in Australia. I went with one of my best friend, M, her brother, Mt, and her 4yr old boy, D. It was a lot of fun! Tiring in one sense because I was trying very hard to not let the little parts in me that would be MORE than happy to climb over the signs and exhibits with D out (even though M has met some little parts before, I really didn't feel like losing focus in the middle of absolute mayhem.....and yes it was mayhem for it was school holidays! Thus kids and parents everywhere.) But I equally loved watching D play on things and just play WITH him. I love kids. Kids make me smile, they make me want to get up in the morning.
I don't think I'm likely to ever get pregnant and have my own children because, well its a bit complicated, but I don't think my body could withstand it. My mum had severe morning sickness (hyperemesis) for both my sister and me...for all nine months of the pregnancy. Giving birth was relatively swift but breastfeeding was a nightmare for her. She also suffered post-natal depression following both of us. Now I have a great treatment team that would look after me if I happened to get pregnant and they'd help me watch out for things like post-natal depression, BUT they wouldn't be able to stop the morning sickness and given my body is already prone to cyclical vomiting (syndrome?), I highly doubt I'd get through without a lot of morning sickness. THen there is the sheer difficulty of carrying a baby to term. My mother had 4 miscarriages that she's aware of, I know (from being an ultrasound model) that when I'm not on the Implanon (a form of contraceptive) that I'm extremely fertile, even at very very low weights so I doubt getting pregnant would be a problem but carrying might be. Then there is the stress on my body, my body is already in severe pain every day, I take morphine for this. I've reduced my dose significantly and would obviously try to avoid opiates as much as possible, but the strain on my body would be intensified not lessened through being pregnant....I doubt I'd get away without having morphine. I don't know if I could knowingly bring a baby into this world that will immediately undergo opiate withdrawals. I would be high risk due to my age, my medical status, my mental health AND simply because of the morphine. Now other parents get pregnant and require morphine at times and they are NOT to be condemned in any manner, but given my usage now and given that it would likely increase through being pregnant, well its not an occasional bit of morphine, it would likely impact the baby and I don't want to do that if i don't have to. So put all of it together (minus the fact that I haven't actually found anyone to get pregnant WITH yet, that's a whole other issue I'll write about another day), I don't think getting pregnant is a smart thing for me.
So in light of this, I could foster or do long term care or even adopt....I'm definitely open to those options. But I suspect I would be better off having an "open house" where young people can come and go as they need support, a second home, a time out place, to be loved upon and cared for. But that STILL means that I don't get to enjoy the "kids" (which I consider to be people under the age of 12 for purposes of this blog post)..... So my aim is to work with children.
The main problem in working with children is that they come with parents and even though most parents like me, I've definitely come head to head a few times when counselling with sick children/youth...or sometimes come head to head with a LACK of parents (usually in the case of child protection cases) which also brings with it difficulties. But back in the day (haha, I'm not THAT old but seriously it was awhile ago now) when I was counselling I was good at trauma, dissociative disorders/PTSD (from trauma), crisis intervention, eating disorders and a bit of general counselling thrown into the mix. I was good at what I did. I want to do this with kids. The reason I continue to pursue my Masters of Social Work qualification comes down to wanting to be able to work at the Royal Children's Hospital with CHILDREN! When I'm crying over an assignment we can't do, or wanting to give up because the idea of working again seems out of reach and pointless it is the desire to work with children that keeps me going. I may never get to work with them, but for now I don't know that so I keep trying.
See children bring a different set of qualities to the counselling and social work equation....they typically just want to be loved and respected. If you respect that children are children, don't know everything but also aren't stupid, then it is pretty easy to love and respect children and in return it is often fairly easy to get their trust and respect back....even if it takes awhile. I mean think about it, if you're working with an abused kid, then often its from someone they know and trusted and so its going to take time for them to believe that you're not going to hurt them too and for them to know they can trust you....but if you can keep loving them, keep respecting them and keep being a consistent person in their life, they will respond to you. There are difficult cases, like those kids with conduct disorders or oppositional defiant disorder...but even they will come to love you even if they can't show it so easily. I might not be good at a lot of things, but one thing I think I'm pretty good at is loving people unconditionally and showing that I care about them.
The nice side of being a counsellor/social worker is that there are boundaries and rules and this helps when the cases are difficult or intense. It makes it easier to leave the work at work and go home. It doesn't mean you stop caring or stop thinking about them, but it makes it a bit easier to just smile. When you try to raise a child on your own (and/or with a partner) it can get tricky because you can't just put them aside and say, "Okay going home from work now"....it's harder. If I work as a counsellor/social worker with kids I know I'm going to see some horrible horrific stuff (I've already worked with a lot of people that have horrible and horrific things happen to them), but I get the joy of helping them while also being able to maintain "me" time. I need a lot of "me" time to refresh and recuperate.
So back to Scienceworks, I got to see all these kids running around from exhibit to exhibit, watch a circus act and learn all about lightening! It was like a breath of fresh air reminding me of what I want to do in this life, at least in the nearer future. It also gives me the strength (I think) to keep working on getting well so I CAN work, even just 2 days a week (my goal) and so I can work with the children I long to help. It helps me to get out of bed in the morning when I"d rather turn over and pretend the day doesn't exist, they remind me why I need to not just do my assignments but learn from them....because I want to work with very precious and fragile treasures, children.
(Thanks for listening to my ramblings!)
PS. To all parents reading this, you are amazing! I couldn't do what you do and I admire you all for it.
**PLEASE NOTE: This may be triggering for some people although no numbers or specific known triggers are discussed.**
**PLEASE NOTE 2: These are not my final opinions but rather ponderings of the past week, ideas to think about and discuss**
I've been thinking a lot lately about what a lot of what people would consider to be the "pro-ana" community. Now from what I'm aware of there are two basic sides to this community, there is the community that has an eating disorder (EDNOS, Anorexia Nervosa or Bulimia Nervosa typically) and are supporting each other whether they're in recovery or not, there is no real blame or shame, just support and understanding. There is some encouragement of supporting eating disorder behaviours, but its not fueled by hatred. Then there is the other side of the "Pro-ana/mia" community that is a lot more harsh, sharing a lot of tricks and tips and stuff. I do wonder though, at what point is being supportive and helping buying into an illness and at what point does NOT supporting and helping cause stigmatisation and more isolated and thus LESS able to access help and recovery. And also another question is, who's responsibliity is it to do what and when? Should we always push for recovery? Is that really our role? If we encourage someone to diet (that we know has an eating disorder or an eating disorder history) and something happens to them, are we partly to blame?
I'm asking a lot of these questions as they've come up for me lately with some people I've met. They're awesome, loving, caring, generous people. They certainly are not people setting out to hurt others or to encourage someone's demise, yet I know from the outside at least, that many of them would be labelled and frowned upon for what they "supposedly" encourage in the behaviour of others. But its not that simple. Like by listening to someone, by teaching them a "trick" that "trick" can also mean that that person eats when they otherwise wouldn't! So it's not that simple I don't think. I also think, I don't have answers.
This is what I think I know...
Everyone should have a chance of recovery. Everyone should have access to services that are appropriate to their needs to assist them in recovery if that is the path they choose. Not everyone wants to recover and other than life saving measures, I don't think forcing a recovery mindset necessarily helps, I strongly suspect, it just causes that person to shut down and not talk and not get help - ever (at least, not until they're ready and choosing to recovery). I think eating disorders are a horrible, deadly illness and they do take lives. I don't think that the encouragement of behaviours that lead to death are positive, but I don't think that it is simple to judge what is and isn't supporting various behaviours. I think even in the pro-ana/pro-mia community that there is a lot of good that happens by warning away from unhealthy weight loss issues, that a lot of cautionary tales are told. I also think its all a very fine line.
Most of all, I think that if we label and stigmatise these people that its not going to help anyone. I think mental illness is not straight forward or easy. I know that some of my friends are not ready to recover and others are in recovery but also need to lose weight for various reasons. I have been thinking a lot about all this because with a history of an eating disorder but needing to lose some weight (which is being encouraged by some members of my treatment team) that for people to just shut me down and not help me because of my history is very unhelpful and those friends that have stepped up and accepted this as an issue and are willing to help me, that its much easier to be honest with them and get the help and support I need and therefore it's actually easier to take control and let the eating disorder have less control.
I know that it's a very slippery slope and so like I said, its a fine line. What works and is appropriate for one person, is NOT going to be appropriate for another person. Some people simply cannot engage in ANY form of dieting behaviours (even if that "dieting" behaviour is meant to be a lifestyle change not just a short term fix) and that needs to be recognised. I think that its better to do weight loss (if it is genuinely required) with the help of a treatment team if available. I think that if one is engaging with people that have a pro-ana/pro-mia mindset that its important to monitor yourself and be careful with whom you are friendly.
I don't have answers but I know there are a lot of people out there that expect that the system should automatically treat everybody on a recovery model. The expectation that everybody wants to get well and that if they don't, that if they're treated for long enough that it will change (sometimes it might, sometimes it won't). I think that there is this idea that if we talk about alternatives to working with people not ready to recovery from eating disorders, that we will feel that we're responsible for the outcomes of their health, that we're encouraging them to continue in unhelpful behaviours. There is also the expectation that if there was enough treatment available then thigns would improve, and sure, in part, I think that's reasonable, but I also think a lot of people are forced into treatment and they're not ready, hence the revolving door problem of eating disorder treatment.
I know a lot of this is controversial. But when I worked at in the Needle and Syringe Program that was very controversial. We were giving free needles and disposal stuff to addicts (and sometimes people with medications). Lots of people assume that its encouraging drug use. That is never how I saw it. For us, it was always an opportunity to help that person keep their health as best as possible. If that meant I gave them a tip on how to inject properly, so be it. It also meant they often felt more comfortable speaking to us when they wanted to get clean. Drug use is just as hazardous as eating disorders and can have some incredibly long term consequences, just like eating disorders. The NSP approach looks are harm minimisation, so reducing the level of harm that might be caused from the drug taking behaviour, we could give advice and support and help to people ready to hear it and help keep other users healthier while they weren't. I think there is a place for this in eating disorders. It's mostly just figuring out how to engage with that idea in a manner that reduces harm, not increases it.
Again, I know its controversial, I know the line for each person is going to be different. But lets not isolate and stigmatise a community even further. Lets work on ways that we can help each other to get better, step by step.
So yesterday I wrote about how we need to live life as we can doing what we're called to do and see that there are bits of heaven here on earth even though the earth and its people are broken. I have spoken about this next bit before but it is my internal struggle. I never feel completely at home here on earth. I know the Holy Spirit is with me, I know that Jesus died on a Cross so I can have a direct line to the Father, I KNOW I am not alone. I know I was created out of joy and as I am reminded from various people and things in my life, I was not a mistake, not even my broken bits are mistakes, they are just a way to form a new mosaic for me to look like....but it is hard because I want to be WITH the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. I want to be where the light never stops shining, I want to be where I know that this darkness and heaviness that follows me around won't be there anymore and that place is heaven.
On the days when I can't see any light it is hard to stay here on this earth. I know in my head this is where I'm meant to be but so often my heart feels this crushing weight and a desperate need to escape. It is in this time that I imagine heaven. I'm going to talk you through using my favourite medium, music... this first song, is all the questions I wonder about with heaven (except for why on earth the traffic on the eastern fwy backs up at Middleborough road EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, I'm totally asking God that upon my arrival in heaven)....but my imagination for heaven never goes too far because I get as far as seeing Jesus, seeing the Father and feeling safe....I can't even really honestly begin to imagine the rest...
(note: this has three songs and discussion between each one, so skip over the songs if you like but if you're reading the blog you may as well read the bits inbetween!)
MercyMe - I can only imagine
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRPGRdbGHSs
"I Can Only Imagine"
I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine
[Chorus:]
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine
[Chorus]
I can only imagine [x2]
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you
So I work on getting past what I imagine is a safe and wonderful place of heaven (after I'm through being scared to death that maybe I'll end up in hell, yes I do fear that even though I have NO reason to)....and then again I struggle more and more with being here...I love this next song because it reminds me that it's okay that my "home" on this earth is like a rental...a place that God gives me to steward and use wisely, but its not permanent, its not my final home...it's okay to not be so settled here, it's okay to throw away STUFF (because it ain't coming to heaven with me anyway) and it's okay to have a loose hold on life here, life can be cut short by anything, it can be turned around in a heartbeat. My life is constantly be shaken and stirred....like being in a washing machine then chucked in a dryer....or a better metaphor is maybe being stuck in donuts in the surf at the beach, never knowing what way is up....all I gotta know is that eventually I'll be going HOME, my final home, my true home...this is just my temporary home...
Carrie Underwood - Temporary Home
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LraOiHUltak
"Temporary Home"
Little boy, six years old
A little too used to being alone
Another new mom and dad
Another school, another house that will never be home
When people ask him how he likes this place
He looks up and says with a smile upon his face
This is my temporary home, it's not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I'm passing through
This is just a stop on the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know
This is my temporary home
Young mom, on her own
She needs a little help, got nowhere to go
She's looking for a job, looking for a way out
'Cause a halfway house will never be a home
At night she whispers to her baby girl
"Someday we'll find our place here in this world"
This is our temporary home, it's not where we belong
Windows and rooms that we're passing through
This is just a stop on the way to where we're going
I'm not afraid because I know
This is our temporary home
Old man, hospital bed
The room is filled with people he loves
And he whispers
"Don't cry for me, I'll see you all someday"
He looks up and says
"I can see God's face"
This is my temporary home, it's not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I'm passing through
This was just a stop on the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know
This was my temporary home
This is our temporary home
So I settle a bit because I realise that the pain, the agony, the darkness, none of it permanent. Remember the song from yesterday? The song from just above? I'll see people again, people I miss, people I didn't get to say goodbye to, people that I did but miss terribly....even my beautiful cats that have gone to be with heaven (and don't even start a theological debate on that one, I know I'm right!)....I get homesick because I want to be there too...I want the pain and the darkness and the difficulty to stop....but remember what I said yesterday? We all have something to offer and we don't go home until God calls us home and sometimes some people might cause God to shift and take them home earlier then he intended for whatever reason but ultimately I've seen his miracles and I'm alive and I probably shouldn't be, so even in that pain and darkness, I need to keep seeing the joy and the heaven that is hidden in this earth....but I'm still homesick, I still long to be with the one that has never ever judged me, never given up on me, never made me feel guilty, never walked away from me...He's wiped tears from my face when no one else is present, he's taken the pain away so I could keep breathing, He's given me people to support me when I couldn't do it myself...how could I NOT want to go HOME? But my cry is this, for the Lord to help me because I can't exist like this without you and I need you, in the darkness AND the light, I need to know where to go, what to do, I need to know your presence, I need to know your stewardship, i need to know your grace, your love, your life, your presence, I need to know that when the right time comes you'll carry me home...
MercyMe - Homesick
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvhrPMJe8LE
"Homesick"
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
