Delays in life

So for the past few years I've been living at a place called EPH. I spend time there and time at my mum's house. Ideally I'd love to have my own two bedroom unit but given I'm on the list for public housing, I'm only eligible for a one bedroom unit if I live on my own, but now as my mother is listed as my carer in a formal capacity, she and I can move into a two bedroom unit. However, my time for living at EPH has run out and now I need to find another place to stay put until the Office of Public Housing finds myself or mum and I a place to live. I've been waiting for two years already....I'm sick of waiting, I want a home. I want a perfect home. So really I'd rather be given a perfect home by someone who doesn't need to live there and a place where I can be at peace and I don't have to jump through constant hoops. Sometimes I want to get married, but not so I can be married but just so I can have someone financially support me and provide me with a house to live in! How's that for the idea of love! (I'll write more on marriage another day.)

So right now, I'm exhausted. I've just finished my university semester and after crashing my car, I'm left to public transport, taxi's and walking to get around which just makes me more exhausted really. But I need to pack up my room at EPH and move. Stressful much? Absolutely. I have two amazing friends willing to help do the heavy lifting and help me move. Both these guys are amazing in their generosity to me and just in who they are as people, so I'm thankful for their help. But somehow I still need to pack everything up. Not sure how to manage all this, I HATE packing and then I have to actually choose a move out date and cut my ties with EPH and just do it. Even though I'm not EPH's biggest fan, cutting the ties is still stressful, its like my safety net is cut. What if things go horribly wrong? And it is very possible that they will. How will I cope then? Where will I go? What will I do? I thought through some worst case scenario's already and worked out some plans....but they're not things I want to act on, especially coming into winter.

Then there is just all this stuff around living. I desperately want to start my new exercise regime....but its hard to just breathe. It's hard to leave my bed, let alone the house. I want to be good, I want to be fit, I want to be strong....but I can barely breathe. I'm sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of how fat and ugly I look, I'm sick of it all....breathing is hard work and yet I HAVE to organise all this other stuff, I HAVE to organise moving out and cleaning up rooms and space and everything.....and I just want to hide deep under the covers, be invisible...not need anyone, instead of my increasing dependency on people. None of this is great or helpful. Just so messed up. I want to be useful to people but I can barely even look after myself. I can pray for people and that's about all I do....pray and at least let them know (sometimes anyway) that I care about them no matter what and that I WILL do whatever I can within my ability to help them....even when I want to be invisible and hide under the covers.

I just have to exist somehow, I'm not sure how but somehow. So right now I'm sorry for the slow blogs. I'm just working on breathing and trying to plan at the same time. Step by step....