Today has been a difficult day for me...most of it is just personal stuff that would take far to long to explain and even then I'm sure many people would go, "So what?" It's also a bit hard because I'm reminded today that my own father would rather I was never born...that others wish I was dead and others blame me for the misfortunes in their life...all that really really hurts, a lot. I just feel, well, not good enough as a human being, I wish that the suicide attempts I have had had been successful, I wish I hadn't intervened on my last attempt, I wish the first attempt HAD been successful...Maybe this planet would've been a hell of a lot better (well the parts of it that have had to deal with me in some way or another anyway) if I had been another miscarriage for my mother? I don't know. Am I feeling low and morose right now, you bet. I know that God doesn't make mistakes and I cling to that knowledge...but even then its just HARD.
But what is hurting even more is that in my life there are quite a lot of people that seem to only want to be my friend to use me or make use of me for their own benefit. Like they're friends with me because I can help them when others can't, or because by knowing me they can get to know others, I'm a step ladder on their way to success...things like that. Now I don't mind that quite a few people only really want to have anything to do with me when they need help, I have some different tools to other people and a slightly different philosophy on life that allows me to help me AND allows me to let them go and be independent if that's what they want and I think, with a lot of God's grace, the ability to welcome them openly when they return....but what hurts? Is that to me it feels very much like I'm shoved into a dark cardboard box and stored under a whole pile of incidental rubbish in a dark corner cupboard...
See it feels like people want my help, many people even respect what I'm capable of and the knowledge I have and they EVEN acknowledge that I don't give up when others do...but its like they don't really want other people to know that, to know about me. It's like I'm their "dirty little secret" and thus I can only be found, dusted off and bought out when no one else is around....there is no public acknowledgement for me and if they are forced to acknowledge my existence to other people, I end up dismissed in an offhand way.
Maybe its my fault. I let people do it and I don't punish them for it. I try to be understanding and not bitter or hurt. So I let them do it. But honestly, could I REALLY push to be known when others don't want to acknowledge me in their life? Wouldn't that be breaking like an honour code that considers confidentiality and integrity to be important? So what am I meant to do?
In most ways I've learnt to trust only the very few that are actually willing to acknowledge me...but even then I"m unsure. I've had some incredibly close friends that have definitely gone to lengths to hide me...
I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should ever have expectations....maybe I should just relook at my own expectations of what *I* think is reasonable for ME to give to friendships and relationships and helping people and work and whatever else I'm doing....maybe I need to erase all forms of expectations on other people and have none, and only have expectations on myself. I'm not sure. I do know this though....somehow I need to get past the hurt of being flung in a box and pushed under a pile of incidental rubbish in the back of the cupboard.
3 comments:
Reading this, it was like reading a page from my own journal. I identified with it so so much.
It was like I was reading my own life story...
From wishing I had succeeded with past suicide attempts, to my father telling me *I* was his biggest mistake, that the planet would be better off without me. Having "friends" who use then abuse me, or who I do my best to be there for when they are struggling but who disappear when the roles are reversed...
The deep pain, the loneliness and despair...
I could relate to it so much.
Thankyou for being brave enough to share, to letting me know I am not alone...
With big hugs x
R (twitter: @Razstar27; WP: redefiningreality86)
My heart aches for you reading this. You are such a giving, loving person who does give so much to others and cares for others far more than you ever care for yourself. I'm one of the people who you have just done so much for, been there so much for me. And I cherish you and cherish your friendship and am immensely grateful for YOU.
I'm so sad that you feel used and unwanted. I hope that the people who do this read this, and know who they are. And have a good long think about it and how they are treating you. I'm sad that you feel like you should have been successful with suicide. I'm GLAD YOU WERE NOT. Remember what you told me last night, that we are all here for a reason, we all have a future, even if we can't see it, God has hope and a future and plans for us as long as we are here. So that's why you are here. You were not meant to go.
I'm glad you are still here because you are one of the most precious, wonderful amazing people I've ever met and I hope we are going to be friends for a long time to come.
LOve and hugs to you <3
Oh honey! I am also so glad you didn't succeed at suicide even though, at times, you feel like it would be a good thing for you. I hope that one day you can be happy to be alive for you and not only to help others - which you do amzingly!
It hurt to read that people use you because you have such a generous nature and then don't support you when you need it. I hope you never think that I feel like that about you. You are one of my closest friends because I feel like we support each other - I hope you feel the same way. Xxx
E.
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