Jumping

So this marks my 50th post and on the rainbow spectrum, things are pretty black (even though black isn't technically in a rainbow)....this isn't going to be a happy go lucky post, or even a special post. Just a post of thoughts. (With Lamby on my lap :))

So tonight I was watching Blue Bloods (a great cop show if you like cop shows!) and in it was this this girl and her baby and out of desperation to keep her baby from growing up and automatically being initiated into a gang, she jumps from the top of the building....with the baby. That's horrible right? It IS horrible and it IS a tragedy. But I could relate with her about something, that sometimes those people INSIDE the situation understand better than those OUTSIDE of the situation what is and isn't possible. Sometimes those outside of a situation can see more options, more ideas, more hope and that can be helpful. It's always worth investigating those avenues absolutely and sometimes it's worth placing almost blind trust in those outside of the situation but with the right experience to help get US out of that situation. But sometimes there is nothing they can do. In this case, the Police, kind, compassionate and well meaning, wanted to help her out, offered to help get her safe...the truth? This girl was unlikely to stay safe unless she entered into a witness protection program and given that she hadn't (at least reported) any significant crimes, that wasn't going to happen. So honestly, like seriously thinking right to the crux of it, HONESTLY, how were they going to keep her safe from a gang that had extremely long arms and almost definitely had insider informants in the police? Am I saying she should've jumped, no way, I can't answer that but I CAN see how to HER, it was her only way out.

Again recently (3 times in total) we have watched a case study for University for our assignment. Now I've been a clinician up until a few years ago for quite some time and even then I continued to deal with a great number of hurting people, some briefly, some for longer periods of time, some sporadically but the point is, I'm used to the stories, the struggles, the issues. It doesn't really trigger me or get to me. But watching this case study, maybe because I wasn't entirely in clinician mode (read - the alter part that does clinical work was not completely in or out to detach ourselves from what we were watching)....and so I felt very overwhelmed...once I was sent home by my tutor, once I sat with a few tears streaming quietly down my cheeks in the dark. Why? Because that is MY life. Not all of it, I don't have children to care for (thankfully - I LOVE kids and love looking after them but where I'm at in life right now is NOT a good place to be a mother) and I've never done illicit drugs (or smoked or drunk alcohol for that matter) but as far as the housing, the poverty, the stresses overall, the mental health issues, even the rage that comes forth from the mother almost from nowhere....it all relates to me and that terrifies me. I'm thankful that I have general politeness and some education, I mean even if I can't work at least my brain has the benefit of that higher education....but being so horribly stuck in poverty, in not being able to cope because there is no way out, because you feel miserable and there is nothing to look forward to, just hurdle after hurdle to try and just SURVIVE, forget about actually living.

See I have two degrees, a diploma, two certificates, a masters and working on a second masters, i have life experience, I have work experience....I AM employable from an employers perspective....but my health (physical and emotional) precludes that and even if I CAN get back to working (which I do hope to accomplish), it will only be part time....I can't easily live with people (other than my mum and trust me we have issues, there have only been two people I could live with)...I'm hard to live with and I find it hard to live with others. But I cannot afford full rent and before people go suggesting one bedroom properties or bungalows, I"m not stupid(!) I have looked and the cost is not htat much different to a two bedroom unit. I simply cannot afford the rent, not down south anyway, even going into country and rural areas is not a given anymore. So I wait for public housing. I have to make decisions there too but it could be tricky and difficult. Should I be glad that we live in a country with public housing? I guess so....but to get there is near impossible path that is wearing me out.

Recently I wrote off my car. I should do an "ode to my car" because she was a pretty amazing car and took me on some pretty amazing journey's. At the end of the day, she was my ONE really safe place. I have one other place that I feel quite safe at in general....but sometimes just due to circumstantial stuff, I want to run clear of there....but seriously, no car, no safety, no safe plans, no safe guards, nothing. The issues leading up to writing off my car were hard enough but unimportant to what is here. My point is that without my car, life is all that much more difficult. It is hard enough ensuring enough energy to drive and focus etc, but now I'm relegated to public transport. For many people this isn't a big deal but for me, it is. I will be catching taxi's more for some appointments, but in general, it is too far away to take taxi's too often, I simply cannot afford it....so I CAN catch public transport, but like Thursday I did and it is now Sunday and I'm STILL paying for the ability to catch public transport. I also dissociate on public transport (mostly trains but some trams) a lot as well because its so rhythmical and constant, noise and visual wise....so I could end up anywhere. I guess its good I have GPS on my phone, trust me its gotten me out of more than one scrape. But there have been times I've "come too" (out of a dissociated state) right on the edge of overbalancing a platform at a train or tram stop....there are alters/parts that would like to suicide, that's reality....they have almost succeeded multiple times.

I can see the point of jumping. I have thought about all sorts of suicide plans and I have attempted suicide many times in the past....the reasons for "jumping" are increasing and for "surviving" are decreasing...its hard when you don't see a future or the future that you do see is darker than where you already are, if that was even possible. Right now, it is like we are in a hole and we look up to see the sun, to see the stars, the moon, ANYTHING and all there is is darkness because the hole is so low. But we also know there is no real way out of it. If we can't even use our skills, especially because we're not exactly reliable right now. There are so many things we're interested in or curious about....but we cannot turn them into anything because we're far too unreliable to do so....so we become useless and what is the point of our existence if we're useless? If we can't work (due to physical and/or emotional limitations and/or unreliability), if we can't volunteer, if we can't start up other things.....jumping sure does seem appealing.

What about just doing stuff for us? Maybe we can't justify our existence but we could probably stay occupied enough to maybe just maybe get some enjoyment back in our lives....and there are things we want to do and like i said are interested in and curious about....but some things are currently off limits, like our love of surfing....we can learn languages....but ultimately, we're at a point where we honestly feel that we need to be locked up in our house so that we cannot escape. We'd still be able to do damage but it would lessen opportunities to hurt ourselves and to hurt others....but is that really a life? Again....jumping sure does seem appealing.

So we're not planning to jump, we have a dozen suicide plans always going on but that does NOT translate to any intention to act on them and I want to be clear that we do not intend to act on these hurts and pains and frustrations....but we can understand why people do, we understand why we want to....we wish that maybe you guys can get an insight into why we might want to.

If you ARE struggling and want some encouragement or direction to support, have a look on our "Resources" page or send us an email at anameredith@gmail.com and we'll respond as soon as we can.