Frailty

Today I realised the extent of my frailness. I saw my psychiatrist this morning and that was difficult, very difficult for reasons I don't want to explain on here...but dealing with DID (dissociative identity disorder) is hard! And that's with an amazing psychiatrist that has a clue. She doesn't really seem to get much of a clue about my pain though...fairly sure both she and my psychologist just think its trauma psycho-somatic pain and i think SOME of it probably is but a considerable amount is not because if i repeat the same patterns I get the same result whether the DID is bad or not. This is causing a bit of conflict.

Then a good friend came a long way to see me, on public transport on a crazy hot 40 degree (so just over 100 F for those in the US) to come see me for about 45 minutes....so short because she knew i couldn't cope with much...and I'm meant to be helping HER...but I guess that is partly where my frailty comes in. With my psychiatrist we were ready to switch and yell and scream and throw a fantastic tantrum...but when our friend was here, we were so very quiet with so little to say. She was gentle and loving as ever and i AM glad she came...I'm just worn out on all fronts right now.

Worked out last night that since Christmas day (so 10 days ago) I've left the house to go with our cat, D, to the vet....she will probably be put down next Thursday if things don't pick up....but that was less then 2kms away and I was back home as soon as possible. Trying to deal with D's care led to a huge argument between my sister and I...I think in part it was emotional and part she likes to rewrite history a lot to suit her, but I know that I WAS emotional. Its made me rethink getting my kitten...because I don't think I can cope if she were to die before me...and I hate that humans can put animals down but not people....why are people so much more important? I guess in a non-emotional state I can answer that more rationally, but we've had D for about 18 of her 19 years of life...we're bonded.

So issues with therapy, issues with housing (that i haven't listed here), issues with being a friend, issues with leaving the house (i think i'm about a hair breadth off being given the diagnosis of agoraphobia  my psychologist has already suggested it...dealing with the imminent death of one of our cats, one I didn't get to see too much in the past 4 years because she lives with my sister not me (tears up darn it)...this is only a tiny bit and I don't want you to think this is whinging, this is just what it is...what this post makes me realise is how fraile I am on so many levels, physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, socially...somehow we still seem to be able to do things that God has called us to do and I think that is simply because he gives me the words, the energy, the patience and the compassion and the love when I need it the most, even when I'm at my weakest.... in 1 Corinthians it says, "For when we are weak,He is strong" and why is this remotely important? Because all the glory goes to God and not to us. I know how frail my mind and body are but somehow my phone doesn't hit the wall every day and get broken (that'd be very expensive), i don't sit down and cry after every sms or phone call...and sometimes (especially middle of the night stuff), i just go back to sleep....I'm frail and I think God uses that to allow me to start to understand other people and to learn to LISTEN to other people (not to just assume what they're saying) and he uses it for his glory because we couldn't do these things without him.

Frailty isn't a bad thing if it leads us back to the King of Kings and teh Father of all heaven and earth.When we can acknowledge it, we can also get assistance to improve ourselves that doesn't mean becoming a world class jerk...but we can learn to live with our humanity and be less judgmental of others (something I'm definitely in the process of working on!), we can get through issues that ail us and/or learn to live with them (depending on the issues!). Frailty is hard because you want to just curl up and hide under a rock so that you don't have to face the pain and hurt of life, it leaves us vulnerable, vulnerability leaves us feeling unprotected and that leaves us feeling scared....so we try to avoid it altogether. Instead if we can acknowledge it, we could do things more passionately, and do things we enjoy and even better do things with the loving people in our lives that need to know that you love them, frailty and all.