Betrayals and grace

There is so much I could write about today, I could write about my cat (I will but not today), my pain (but not today) or my passion for surfing (not today) or who I want to be in life and here we hit today's jackpot. I knew from yesterday that today was be incredibly difficult for various reasons yet to be revealed (not important to the running of the world I promise)...instead I woke up to yet another response to a very long list of private messages that are all well intentioned but difficult and what the result was, I felt very betrayed, very upset and like I was back to not knowing whom I could trust. Stuff was transmitted to another person about something that wasn't for their reading and ironically was actually for the general wellbeing of both myself and people who know me...instead this person delibrately medelled and caused pain to TWO people, when they could've just quietly bowed out.

Needless to say in the context of the rest of my day inside my head there was massive amounts of swearing and anger and frustration bought on by serious hurt. I can narrow down the field of suspects but I hate that there ARE suspects. I wanted to put up a status that included a lot of truth's and swearing and anger...it was all true and all relevant but how I wanted to present it...well no one would've been able to deny that I was upset. The thing is, it would've shocked most people that I was capable of that sort of response to people...but I'm a normal run of the mill human being! My feelings get hurt and just like most humans I have the capacity to feel betrayed and betrayal (if you read the stuff by Judith Freyd) is always that much worse by people that you trust, like parents, family members, best friends etc. Now I don't think anyone was trying to be malicious but it all still hurts.

But all this got me thinking...I was sooo ready to write that status at my first opportunity and not care if people were scared of me and not care if people stopped being my friend and not care if people thought that I was just some crazed lunatic that just had never been revealed (although I somewhat think this is true)...and then I realised that wasn't what I wanted people to know at all. I AM hurt and upset by all this but its not who I want to be to take out my hurt and anger on everyone. So much is going on in my life right now and a lot of it brings uncertainty and pain and spewing that out on other people is not who I want to be, especially when I don't know the whole story. I want to be forgiving and understanding and just like the status that caused all this uproar, I want people to have the ability to decide some situations for themselves, not others and not to drag others into it. i want to be a good person, forgiving and gentle and kind. I want to be the kind of person that no matter how low I am (physically, financially, emotionally, spiritually) that I'm someone that people can come to and can trust and receive comfort...comfort that essentially comes from God but He chooses me at that time to dispense mercy, kindness and grace...

More and more lately I remind myself of what my name means...."Beautiful Rose, remember grace" I think that is a good thing for me to remember....roses go through so much and withstand so much, heat, cold, hailstones, being bent at 90 degree angles etc....they're fighters....and sometimes it can be easier to fight for someone else's "rights" or what is right and wrong then it can be to remember that our world needs a huge dose of grace....grace being something that is given but is completely undeserved.

Hopefully I can acknowledge my pain in the right places (ie therapy, extremely close and trusted friends etc) while dispensing as much grace that is humanly possible and asking God for all the grace that he can give to ME to give to others... Step by step, in the mean time, I'm still human.