The healthy eating myth of eating disorders

Today on the radio I listened about a new drug developed in Australia that mimicks the responses of diet and exercise in the brain. This drug has the capacity to cut approximately 1/3 of the caloric intake for a day. Needless to say I had two major reactions....the first was, "Oh my gosh, this is so dangerous, yes some people should probably eat less calories but relying on drugs is not a healthy lifestyle..." (followed by thoughts about how, no we're not going to be living until we're 150 years of age thanks to this drug so on and so forth). The second reaction was, "Gee I wonder if I could get my hands on that!" Where is that second comment coming from, well an eating disordered perspective I believe. I don't think I have a severe eating disorder at this point in time. I think it is what it is and I don't really see it changing for a whole series of reasons. It doesn't overly impact my day to day living, it doesn't torture my mind as much as it once did (although I still have bad days) and my general pattern of engagement with food remains constant in general.

However, what I'd like to talk about is this preconception that people with eating disorders only ever eat healthy. It doesn't work like that! I tend to eat fairly healthy because my body simply is intolerant or allergic to a bazillion different foods (plus the gastroperesis creates issues if I eat too much at one time)...but I still love ice cream (although my body doesn't), same with hot chips, pasta, bread etc...all these things that *I* enjoy but my body doesn't. And the eating disorder side of things DOES place restrictions on these things at times but not always. I tend to eat a healthy very wide variety of food from a wide range of cultures. However, guess what the food was that helped me increase my weight during both major relapse/breakdown periods? ICE CREAM! Yep, not so much a healthy food. I'm not able to binge very easily, but I'd compulsively sit down to a huge tub of ice cream, semi-melted (I liked it like that) and off I'd go.

I know other people who work on calories alone and not so much the nutrition and they will do similar things, eating chocolate, chips, ice cream, sweet foods much more readily and easily then making a formal nutritionally balanced meal or snack. Is that necessarily bad? I don't think so, but I do think it blows the myth out of the water that those people with eating disorders only eat healthy, they might (especially if they have a form of orthorexia) but not necessarily.

Another case in point is inpatient eating disorder programs (and some outpatient programs). Often the meals are provided on a range of foods and then snacks include a range of foods in moderation ranging from things like fruit to things like cakes and biscuits. They are desperately trying to teach "normality" in eating to the patients. Now that isn't going to work well for all patients because not every person is alike but the concept is a good one nevertheless.

As I get so sick from food, I really have learnt to have all things in moderation. I think that is what people with eating disorders should strive for as best as possible, but just next time someone you know with an eating disorder decides to order a piece of cake, or has three sushi rolls instead of two, don't comment on it other than maybe how nice (or not nice) it tastes but don't be surprised or shocked. People with eating disorders still have taste buds, they might be a bit flattened but they're still there, they will still want all sorts of food but drawing attention to that, its just not helpful at all. It's typically hard enough to eat the stuff, let alone while catching up with a friend or worker etc.

So just remember, there is no "set" description of what someone with an eating disorder is going to eat or not eat, each person will have their own set of eating disordered rules that they're desperately trying to follow. Those rules are best left to professionals to work through and sort out, but as people, be it in a professional role or even more so as friends and families, we need to nto be shocked and be open to alternatives and differences in the food choices made by people with an eating disorder :).

Thanks for listening!

PS. If you're struggling with an eating disorder and unable to get help, you can contact the Kids Helpline, Lifeline, Eating Disorders Victoria or the Butterfly foundation for assistance in Australia (These details should be on the referral information page). If you require help from outside of Australia, please do not hesitate to email me and I will provide you with the right numbers to call.

My eating disorder history and a new dietician!

I've been trying to decide what I should talk about. I think I might talk about my experiences with eating disorders today. Please feel free to leave comments and ask questions, I'm very open to answering questions and explaining things as best I can, but I'm not pro-eating disorder so I'll give tips and tricks for health and wellbeing but not for engaging in eating disorder behaviour...that being said, many things can be triggering to other people so please take care of yourself if you're in recovery.

I have tracked back my eating disorder back to when I was approximately 6 years of age. I would hide food down the side of my bed, that is if I hadn't thrown a tantrum which got me sent to bed for time out without food altogether! I don't think that at age 6 I had the same concept of being "fat" that I did when I was older but I certainly did by the time I was 8. I still remember my coach for gymnastics stating that I'd lost weight and that I was thin and tall, and not to lose anymore weight...I would hear those comments numerous times over my sporting career. But what makes me shudder is the fact that I remember the fact that this pleased me! Eight year old girls, should NOT be worried about what size their body is. When I was younger, I feared food, it caused havoc at the table constantly being told that I cost too much to feed and that I ate too much...comments that remain ringing in my years 25 years later. When you add into that the complexity of weight in a sport that prized being thing and small, is a bad combination. I was meant to be significantly taller then I am and I am convinced that my height was reduced because I've never had enough nutrition in order to grow. All because of comments that were made to me.

As I got older, it was harder to eat. My bowels (delightful topic I know) have NEVER worked properly and I have suspected gastroperesis (which slows down the stomach). This just makes it that much easier to avoid food in an unhealthy fashion. I think that this was all contributed by my parents response towards food. My mother experienced some unpleasant situations which lead to her keeping the weight on post-pregnancy and leading to a life long struggle with being overweight. When she was 18, from what I have worked out, she was probably quite underweight. My dad and is constant emphasis on weight and food and cost...my mum's struggle with weight and restricting food and self-esteem, my sisters own struggle in reducing her weight and having a very different body system to me...my WHOLE family is obsessed with food and weight and self-esteem related to that. Plus we have genetically related illnesses that are impacted by food. This of course is a perfect breading ground for full blown eating disorders - eating disorders that go untreated because they are considered to be the normal. If they're normal, then no one really realises that things are amiss.

I remember when I was 16 and I was talking to a friend who had anorexia nervosa and was 19 years old, suffering stress fractures from continual running. She kept telling me that I just intuitively seemed to understand her situation. That it was amazing how well I understood what was going on given that I didn't have an eating disorder. It wasn't until I was 18 going on 19 that my own eating disorder was identified and recognised. I lost a friend because she had an eating disorder and she couldn't tell me...then she wanted to help me and then I lost her again because I was too triggering...I had another friend tell me that she couldn't help me because I was too scary, between the two of us with eating disorders, I was the one that lost weight faster and was more likely to die (in their mind)...I lost friends by being honest....so I just started hiding.

I do mean hiding. I had moved out of home, I barely had any contact with my family (which maybe wasn't a bad thing), and my friends were leaving me alone...I got a new job and was working 6 days a week for about 8 hours a day plus around 2-3 hours of travel and doing 6 university level subjects all at the one time! It's easy to hide when you're so busy you can't do anything. I still had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia...so I was still sick enough with that, let alone an eating disorder that landed me in the emergency department multiple times...I was as sick as they got, hiding everything.

I started to binge and purge...it was hard on my body and I'm amazed I lived to be honest. I still wonder how much body did it. I doubt it would survive the same abuse today. However, I'd fallen for a guy from work, HARD. His family, knowing how sick I was, asked me to move in with them, which I did and over time they nursed me to health, sort of. I managed to reach a point where I enjoyed food and discovered an entire world of food I'd never experienced before....but I also entered into a world of continuing abuse, abuse few people really know much about to this day. It was good, and it was hard.

I would say I had maybe 18 months of true recovery. Time where I didn't care too much about my weight and I enjoyed food. I wasn't unhealthy and binging and I didn't need crazy amounts of laxatives to purge...but I was getting sicker and sicker and sicker with CFS. It was hard because I've told many people that my CFS simply is NOT as bad when I'm not eating so much! Tired yes, but not quite to the same degree. It's a trade off and not a great one. Not one I'd recommend. I know a lot of people have developed CFS from having an eating disorder..for me I have to choose...do I make the CFS worse by eating more? Or do I make the eating disorder worse and the CFS better by eating less? That's a pretty sucky choice really.

In 2006 I was at my highest weight ever and bed-bound sick. Very very sick. This is a story for another day, but at the end of the year I tried to come off my pain medications...this led to unintentionally starting the eating disordered behaviour again and by mid-2007 I was aware that I was losing weight. On the 11th January 2008, I gave up trying to recover and gave into the eating disorder. I got sick and fast. I didn't care and for the next 2.5 years I tried to recover and failed and tried and failed...it was hard...

Now the eating disorder is different for me... for many people the eating disorder constantly tells them that they're horrible, they're fat, ugly, bad...whatever negative comment can come into their mind does. I've been there and experienced that. Now, it really only happens if I go food shopping and if I go to eat...so my answer...I avoid eating! But that's not recovery from an eating disorder, its NOT! It's avoidance. I don't like the arguing in my head, its hard enough given all the issues with the Dissociative Identity Disorder, I don't want extra...but its not recovery. SOOO, the other day, I emailled three dieticians that I knew had specialisation with eating disorder. They're expensive and I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to manage it, but I think I need to see someone. I might go through community health or through the public mental health system...or I might just see one of these dieticians and see how it goes. My mum things its a good idea and honestly, for me, I think I need this for recovery. I don't think I need psychotherapy, I need food therapy, for me, so much of it has literally been around food...I need food therapy.

Eating disorders are about so much more then weight and food...I AM seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist to deal with a whole lot of other underlying matters...but I think its foolish to think that eating disorders should not address weight and food, it IS part of the illness and its important that it is addressed in line with everything else. So, *breathes* I need to admit that I need help because I deserve better then where I'm at right now and I think this is my next step towards it :).

Open to ideas and thoughts! Speak people Speak!