Tears and Sadness

In what is perhaps a direct contrast to my last post, this one isn't so happy, it isn't very philosophical, its just some raw emotion...if you're not up for that, stop reading now, that is fine if you're not, look after yourself!

I'm struggling...on almost every front...here is my list...

- I'm so exhausted on a continual basis, I just don't function really anymore, this is scary
- Because of my exhaustion and pain levels along with trauma issues, my ability to study at Uni is compromised. Do I think its possible to get through semester? Yes. But do I think it will only happen with a copious degree of tears and breakdowns? Yes again.
- My pain levels are starting to creep up again. I haven't increased my medication but I'm getting less functional in that way. I was hoping my fitness regime would help, but I barely have energy to stand, let alone exercise - I haven't given up, but its definitely proving to be difficult.
- I'm sick of not having permanent housing. Yes I have a place to live for the interim but there are so many hoops to jump through and the location is GREAT but the other people in the program and the program itself is just super tricky. I want my own house where I can have a strict routine and maybe have a bit more functionality in my role.
- I feel like a failure because I can't do what my treatment team want me to do, its not their fault, its all mine and its driving me crazy
- I'm overwhelmed by how unwell I feel and wonder more often then I'd like, "What if I keep just getting worse?"
- I hate that I panic when I leave the house
- I hate that inspite of my faith, I still struggle with living
- I hate that I'm always scared of being grabbed from behind...again
- I'm scared that IT will never stop (it being trauma related things)
- I hate that I can't escape my own mind and the images it brings to me
- I hate all teh time I lose and cannot piece together...I hate it even more that I find this entirely normal
- I'm stressed about financial related things
- I want to surf but I can't even stand up for more than a few minutes at a time
- I cry, a lot, today every 30 or so minutes leads to tears - I don't like crying
- I miss my friends but I'm so exhausted that seeing them is also overwhelming in itself
- I'm aging again very soon (well okay we're always aging but this is a concrete change in number) and I feel like I'm useless and have done nothing with myself or my life
- I hate mental health issues like the DID and eating disorder stuff
- I don't trust myself or my temper anymore - I go from normal to outta control so very fast, it scares me
- Why does everything have to get worse before it gets better?
- I honestly think that if i had a reliable car, a steady GOOD place to reside and I had finished my MSW, I'd be a lot better off.
- I hate that I can't follow through on everything I want to, its not fair and it lets other people down.
- I hate that there is no real cure for my sleep, that its long term and screwed up, my fault again
- I hate that doctors can get away with so much and can literally control what is and is not possible for me
- I hate that people try to talk me out of things that ARE my fault. THey like to change things to responsibility or just flat out say its not in my control....irrespective of what terms are used, *I* feel like I'm screwing up and things are my fault and I can't fix it... it upsets me.
- I wish people could better understand how awful I feel and how scared that makes me. I try to be rational and reasonable and even doing that....well here I am crying again.

I'm not okay and yet there is really nothing more or less that can be done to fix it. It just upsets me though. It really really upsets me. I don't feel good or safe... (I will be, I just don't feel it, very different things), I don't want to dump on everyone but I don't know how to continue like this...I guess I will, even if its in a hazy blur...but thats not cool either. I've lost so much of my life like that...I want to either LIVE life or die and I seem to be extremely stuck in the middle :(.

The song for today.... One I"ve loved for a long time, one that reflects all the pain right now...mixed with a bit of hope. I hope you like it too.

Broken By Lifehouse
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmey1k7WXdc

The broken clock is a comfortIt helps me sleep tonightMaybe it can start tomorrowFrom stealing all my time
And I am here still waitingThough I still have my doubtsI am damaged at bestLike you've already figured out
I'm falling apartI'm barley breathingWith a broken heartThat's still beating
In the painThere is healingIn your nameI find meaning
So I'm holding onI'm holding onI'm holding onI'm barely holding on to you
The broken locks were a warningYou got inside my headI tried my best to be guardedI'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflectionInside of my eyesThat are looking for purposeThey're still looking for life
I'm falling apartI'm barely breathingWith a broken heartThat's still beating
In the pain(In the pain)Is there healing?In your name(In your name)I find meaning
So I'm holding on(I'm still holding)I'm holding on(I'm still holding)I'm holding on(I'm still holding)I'm barely holding on to you
I'm hanging on another dayJust to see what you will throw my wayAnd I'm hanging on to the words you sayYou said that I will be okay
Broken lights on the freewayLeft me here aloneI may have lost my way nowI haven't forgotten my way home
I'm falling apartI'm barely breathingWith a broken heartThat's still beating
In the pain(In the pain)There is healingIn your name(In your name)I find meaning
So I'm holding on(I'm still holding)I'm holding on(I'm still holding)I'm holding on(I'm still holding)I'm barely holding on to you
I'm holding on(I'm still holding)I'm holding on(I'm still holding)I'm holding on(I'm still holding)I'm barely holding on