Fighting on

This post has been ruminating in my mind for about a week and still it doesn't feel like its in proper English. This week has been good and sad for me. Good because I met a new friend and I got to go down to an international surf carnival! The bad side? I had to come home before the competition even started and due to my ever failing health, I could not go down on the main day that the women were competing....I missed almost the entire women's competition. Sure I watched it online (falling in and out of sleep) but I had wanted to BE there and this was with drooping eyelids, chin splints so bad I couldn't flex or point my feet (I still can't), an aching body that I knew would take the wind out of me every time I climbed the stairs...in spite of all that, I want to be there.

This is my life. I fight hard for the things I want and for the people I love. If you want someone that is always nice and gentle and comforting, then I'm probably not your person because I will fight hard for what I honestly think is best for my life and my friends, really hard.

I have had me/cfs for over 21 years now, I have had chronic pain my whole life, I have had an eating disorder in some form or another for almost 25 years, I have had DID for probably about the same length of time, maybe longer...I have lived through use and abuse of so many types...things don't come to me very easily. The thing I find the "easiest" is academics, I have a partially photographic memory (which is getting more frayed with time) and academic concepts and working hard appeal to me. I have two degrees, a diploma, two certificates, almost two masters and umpteem professional development related certificates. I have competed at the highest level of Trampolining in Australia, qualifying six times for National Championships...some of those I competed on broken toes and pulled and torn ligaments. I don't do anything half hearted or easily. I work my butt off for what I achieve. The craziest thing I've done is two entirely separate degrees and a diploma and work 6 x 10 hour days a week...all while having me/cfs. That is insanity and not something I"d recommend. Another crazy thing I also did five masters level subjects, plus starting a research project, plus undertaking a specialist project with an eating disorders organisation back in 2008....needless to say by the end of the year I was a wreck and a half, I've never quite recovered.

Are you getting a picture yet? I fight hard for what I believe I should do and what I want. But what about people hey?

If you want to be my friend and want me to love you, then I probably will! I don't give up on people, I just don't. It's too hard to give up on people....but by the same standards I'm not just going to let you skim by me and get lots of support and hugs and stuff when I think you're screwing up and could do something about it! Like I'm going to behind the scenes kick your butt and tell you what I think you need to do! That is going to be different from person to person so never try to get together and compare yourselves because everyone is different and everyone needs a different approach but regardless, I will love you far more than the friendship itself, I'd rather you hated me and got what you needed and became a better person and a happier one at that, then worry about whether you like me or not. It's not easy to enact tough love, it has a price and there are usually tears my end but that is how much I'll love you. You are worth fighting for.

But in saying all this, in all I've fought through and stood up for...I struggle with one thing...that is ME. I hate being sick, I hate being held back and I hate all I"ve been through...and so the one thing I tend to give up on (and seriously the only things I've given up on are my honours year - I couldn't get out of bed and I've given up a few jobs) is me. I have attempted suicide to a point that it is more times then I can count now. That doesn't make me a hero, there is no way medically I should be writing this to you...if anything it makes me a lucky fool. But the hardest person I think it is to keep going for is ourselves. I need help right now, just general encouragement that I matter, but its up to ME to ask people for that help and up to me. I know that when I'm alone, like the song (below) that it is so much easier to see the walls closing in and shutting the possibilities out...its a dozen times harder to fight on.

We all need to both help people and be helped by people. I've been helped by you guys, I"ve been helped by girls I help, I've been helped by professionals...I've also been helped by clients, by kids, by my fellow students, my family (for good and for bad), so many people....it might come in a song or a book or some words or the quiet winds through a park, or the beauty of the waves crashing on a beach...whatever you need, find it so that you can keep fighting on.

For right now, the main thing we need to do is....stand in the rain.

(Please email me at anameredith@gmail.com if you need support and I'll try to point you in the right direction or if you need, just listen to you. - Anya)

Stand in the Rain - Superchick
(Not the original music video - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7dcjtCL1Kpo )

She never slows down.

She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down

She won't turn around

The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

[CHORUS]

So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when it's all crashing down

You stand through the pain

You won't drown

And one day, whats lost can be found

You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound

Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down

She wants to be found

The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down.

[CHORUS]

So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when it's all crashing down

You stand through the pain

You won't drown

And one day, whats lost can be found

You stand in the rain