Birthdays

So birthdays for me are tricky. I don't know quite what I feel or expect but I know its not really much that is pleasant. I have had some really good birthday's. My 25th I was super sick, basically unable to move from my beanbag, set up outside for my backyard picnic, but it was NICE and I enjoyed it. But there are a lot of crappy memories that come with birthdays too and a lot of blanks. As the years have progressed, so have the blanks. I used to be able to tell you many of the crappy things that occurred on or around my birthday...like the day we were celebrating my birthday and got the call a relative had died...definite buzz kill. (We weren't close but we were close to some of the rest of the family.) Fights, arguments, visciousness that remains intolerable to this day. Birthdays can be bad for our mental health. So my birthday is a mixed blessing.

I have a lot of very good friends...but also a lot of my friends are now parents, unwell, struggle with social anxiety, poor, over committed, so on and so forth. Then there is just ME. I love my friends but it is definitely easier in small groups or preferably 1:1...so how do I deal with that. Also I realised that you can't choose your health for your birthday. This year, I was alert for the first half and very much not so for the rest. I can't choose when I feel good or not and my birthday is on a particular day whether I feel fine or not. It was just tricky and so often I feel like I waste the day, or more so, I feel that I'm a waste of space altogether. I was certainly made to feel like that over and over again, especially on special occasions. It wasn't helped by the idea that if it was my birthday that I should get what I'd like (within reason) for that day...so when things go haywire or just plain abusive, how can I fit that in with my concept of reason....I can't and it hurts more than other days, other times.

I think as much as anything, I see my age and I look back and I feel like life is passing me by and I get stuck in two places. One I want to try and live and enjoy as many moments as I can and not try to skip over the hard stuff, not try to wish life away....but at the same time, life feels overwhelming and scary and hard and if anything I'm trained to escape those times into myself, into my little world...if I don't escape there the other alters/parts do anyway and I'm pulled in. Either way, living is terrifying. And so it keeps passing away and I see various opportunities ceasing to exist as a result, things that will never ever happen as I'm getting older and older and older and time is passing so very fast. I struggle with a very similar issue at New Years and Christmas Day....its hard.

Right now, I feel fragile, very fragile. I don't like it but it is what it is. I work through a plan to get through these next few weeks of university...while at the same time planning an escape plan...It's almost my default position to plan an escape plan...its not usually all that intentional, it just happens. I'm fragile because I'm tired and worn out, I'm fragile because things are so mixed up in my mind now that I can barely communicate to those who know me best, I'm fragile because I'm not confident that I'll get to where I want to without doing severe damage...I think it is my friends and my treatment team that help me most of all...living breathing people....it is for them that I don't feel like I age so much, in my fragile state I feel like I'm 17 years old, never growing....sometimes younger, sometimes ageless but rarely my actual age, but if i can get lost in a PERSON for awhile, then some of my fears don't seem to matter so much, especially the concept of age rushing past me.

I know a lot of people have troubles with birthdays. It took me a long time to even be willing to DO things to celebrate my birthdays and even then they tend to be more low key. But if you struggle with your birthday, I understand and empathise, if you want to tell me your story, I will listen, no judgement here. Know that you're not alone in fearing a birthday but also know that life can change and birthdays can become okay again....it just might take some time.

If you can't figure out Blogger and want to email me, the email is anameredith@gmail.com 

Take care of yourselves and thanks for listening