The day I saw God...

As you would hopefully know, I'm a christian. What does that mean though? I sometimes go to church, I sometimes read my Bible, I spent 7 years at Bible college getting two certificates in theology...I know stuff...but NONE of that makes me a CHRISTIAN. What does then? It's knowing and loving God, having a loving relationship with Him. I believe that Jesus died and went to heaven so that I could know the Father, so that the Holy Spirit can be with me always...I don't believe in a lot of rules and regulations, I don't believe that if you try to go to church most sunday's you'll be saved (although church can sometimes be a great way of staying strong in one's faith)...I try to live my faith as best I can in everything I do and say and guess what? I screw up, ALL THE TIME.

But one day a long time ago know, I was 15, I was sitting behind the school library and I was crying. I held a pair of scissors in my hand and with tears and sobs unceasing I started to cut. I'd never been someone who cut myself or anything like that, this is a wholehearted effort at suicide. I pushed deeper and harder and cried harder and harder. I was desperate and alone and scared of myself or my world of everything around me. I was crying out to God because the pain was so very unbearable. I wanted to go HOME. WHere is home you ask? For me, home is heaven. I don't fit down here on earth so well, I stay because my Lord wants me to no matter how much I might try to change his plans and go home without his assistance...but Home is Heaven...and I wanted and badly NEEDED to go home.

Next I could see shards of bright light. A sceptic I'm sure would like to blame it on the reflection of the sun mingled with my tears but no, this light did not even come from the direction of the sun nor did it reflect like light from the sun, even when you've directly stared into the sun for a bit and get sun spots, nothing like that, pure white and then shards of light...I knew I was looking at God. Not an angel (although I do think angels are very amazing beings that help us to live on earth) but God himself. I couldn't tell you what he looked like, I couldn't tell you how tall he was or how kind his eyes were although I could imagine the light was too bright for my earthly eyes but that feeling deep down inside knew who was there. Just like I also knew he was crying for me.

I heard His voice then, "....Don't do it, please don't do it, please stop, please don't do this..."

That day I could've taken my life and I think very successfully for no one was around and even though I've attempted to take my life before and since then, I've never had the same epiphany again...perhaps he knows I don't need it (although I sure feel like I do!) but he cried with me and came with me and held me and loved me. He has never been angry with me for feeling so low and so very desperate, never. He just holds me and lets me cry.

I pray that for you too, reading this, whether you know the living God or not, that when you're desperate (and even when you're overwhelmed with joy) that you'll cry out to him and let him comfort you and love you and help you all the way. Sometimes he sends us angels that we don't know are there, sometimes he sends us angels we DO know are there and sometimes he sends himself. But he is always with us and we just have to ask for him.

I don't expect you all to convert to following God but I do hope you'll listen and maybe just maybe hear the truth in what I say.