Helping people

One phrase I hear a lot of is "You can't help other people if you're unwell..." I disagree. I think there is a LOT that you can do to help people while you're unwell, I think you just have to have balance between assisting yourself to continue on the road to recovery or the road of keeping wellbeing as best you possibly can balanced with helping other people.

My favourite book is "What Katy Did". It's about a young girl who tries really hard to be good but is a normal young girl and heedless and enjoys fun. It is set in a town in America in the 1850s. One day she is on the swing that she was forbade to go on...(You know that feeling where when someone tells you that you're not allowed to do something and so that becomes the very thing you want to do?! Well that was Katy!) But unfortunately her aunt had told her not to go on the swing for a very good reason, the swing broke and then Katy ended up breaking her back.

Of course in the 1850s the help for a broken back is quite different to today, but the result was that she was left in bed flat on her back in pain for a very long time. She was grumpy and unhappy and felt miserable which is pretty understandable given the circumstances. But she was blessed by a visit from her cousin (who was chronically unwell and unable to walk and do things also) who suggested to her that yes she would have bad days, but that things would improve and that she had one advantage that no other person in the house had...that everybody knew where she was. Because of this, she had the ability to give her time and her love to her family because they would always know where to find her, but to do this ideally she would make her room welcoming to people to come into and her disposition would need to be such that people would WANT to come near her. Her cousin taught her how to make her bedroom pleasant including nice nightdresses, nice quilts and nice ornaments extra around her room. She encouraged her to have her blind open to let the sunlight in and then to be patient and try to listen to her younger brothers and sisters when they came in to visit her (Katy was the oldest child).

It changed her whole outlook and she still had bad days where she snapped at her siblings and when she was in a lot of pain and fussy...but overtime things improved and she became the heart of the house, the place where everybody wanted to be. It also helped to reduce social isolation, something that is a big issue for people who are unwell...and there are many things that we can do through the internet to help people for those that can't deal with things face to face (more on this another day).

I have Myalgic Encephamyelitis (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome - which is SOOOO much more then just being tired, trust me) and chronic pain, mental health issues (including dissociative identity disorder, depression and anxiety), eating disorder, heart issues and mild/moderate kidney failure...if you want someone that is unwell, its probably me! But I held onto the story of Katy and a few years ago when I had my own (2 bedroom) unit, I tried to make my place a place where people could come and just stay and have some peace. Sometimes they wanted to talk, sometimes they didn't...but irrespective of all this, it was something that I could do fairly simply without too much effort but that meant a lot to the young women that had a second home to go to. Yep, I had bad days and sick days and difficult days...but I could still DO stuff to help people. I had one rule, that was that I could retreat to my room or to the tv without the person taking offense because if I did so, it was NOT about them, it was about me having some time out, and with that rule, I felt comfortable having people. Sometimes people just needed a safe place to crash where they knew someone was there for them IF they wanted to talk...they didn't always need to, but it was there. It worked well.

Currently I'm in the process of applying to volunteer with the charity Very Special Kids :). I'm very excited about this prospect. I've been honest with them about what I AM about to give and what I'm limited in giving and why. They may decide that I'm not quite well enough or stable enough to meet their criteria right now, and if they do, that's okay, but there are other things I can do for them that do not matter quite so much. But I'm putting myself out there. I've thought through carefully what I can and cannot contribute because I DO need to care for myself (which for me starts with appointments each week that include my GP, my psychologist, my psychiatrist, my worker where I live and hydrotherapy as a minimum), but outside of that I can do other things.

I actually think its really important to help others out. I don't mean to take on a counselling role when someone needs a counsellor and I don't mean that you need to fix people...but we can listen to our friends when they JUST need a listening hear or a shoulder to cry or or even just some distraction for awhile. We can do things like make meals for friends that are unwell, I've even had friends help me with cleaning which is such a blessing! There are so very many things that you can do to help just the people around you. Sure there are lots of charities that require assistance and sometimes a more formal structure helps people to help others and that's okay too. You don't need to save the world, but you can help out your little corner of it. Little things can make a big difference to other people.

There may be times when some of you are in hospital or very busy with an intense program (like day programs or similar) and its also okay to say, "Right! I need to take a step back for a few weeks, few months and focus on this first and then I can go back to helping" and that's okay too, its important that whatever you do, be it an inpatient program or a day program or a volunteering role or just be a friend that you're able to do that to the best of your ability and sometimes things need to change, but if you explain to people that you're not abandoning them, that you'll be back that you're just focussing on a specific program or issue for a short while, then I find most people understand.

But what makes me sad is when people say that they can no longer be friend with more unwell friends because they are impacting the other persons recovery. In light of this, if you meet people through channels where you KNOW that they are unwell, please be careful of establishing a friendship with them if you're not prepared to essentially be there for the long haul because you can do more damage then good...it's okay to establish healthy boundaries that keep you and the person safe, but you need to be realistic and realise that if you walk away from them, it will hurt them and damage them. One boundary is to remember you're a friend and to encourage anyone with a health issue to get the appropriate assistance. But part of being a friend could mean going with them to the appointment if you're able to or talking to them afterwards so they can debrief. Again, there are lots of little things you can do as a friend to make a big difference without causing any damage to yourself :).

One final thing for anyone who is a Christian, I honestly believe that God will give us the strength to do the things that we believe he is calling us to do. We don't have much energy and as humans we are weak...if we are sick then we are able to feel that in a more literal way...but he has the strength. We shouldn't be reckless and stupid in giving more then is reasonable, but if we think HE Is calling us to do something, he will give us the strength to get through it.

I also have a general facebook page at the moment if you want to search under Anya Meredith so you can get information of when new posts are posted feel free to add me!

Stay safe, stay well, stay encouraged!