Hugs

So I wanted to write about a topic that is perhaps a bit off centre, I want to talk about hugs! Yep, that's right, something as seemingly innocuous as two arms wrapped around another human body, typically in the form of comfort, namely a hug!

The other day I was sitting in the office with my psychologist and I kept saying that hugs were bad. Not just a little bad but very bad! Bad! Bad! Bad! In fact. I was adamant that hugs were bad. Now there has been many times that I have been hurt by people hugging me inappropriately and that could be a good reason to not want hugs, but for me, it was the fact that I missed having safe, comforting hugs.

See as someone who's suffered from an eating disorder and as someone who has worked with clients who've had eating disorders, it's very common for people with eating disorders to not want hugs. Why? Because they don't feel they deserve hugs! They're scared of hugs. Some are so scared that they'll start to cry and not stop. Other's like me, are afraid that they'll get some hugs and then that person will walk away from them and they'll have hugs no longer.

Also having a lot to do with trauma, some people are afraid of hugs because people have abused them in the past taking something that should be kind and gentle and used it for evil ends, hurting that person. Also, for those with dissociative disorders, people sometimes think that a hug will help bring a person back to being in a more conscious state...typically it just startles the person and often retraumatises them! I know people that cannot even handle a cyber hug over the internet, it puts them on edge so much.

Then as someone who experiences chronic pain and knows many people who experience chronic pain...it can physical HURT to hug someone. And yet, that person can crave touch soo much and long for a hug.

See so the idea of a simple hug, isn't so simple. Hugs can hurt, they can also calm us down and bring us love. It's just finding out the right balance and knowing who you can and cannot hug.

See someone with an eating disorder that doesn't feel they deserve a hug, perhaps that is exactly what they need and sometimes, if you're the right person and have the general permission of that person, you can force a hug which eventually relaxes that person and they can feel the love of a hug.

But as I've said, you need to be careful, because for those with trauma, forcing a hug can take away their space and their rights to determine what is and is not okay for them, something incredibly precious after having their body and life invaded in such a cruel manner. Similarly, forcing a hug on someone that suffers pain can leave long term issues that that person needs to deal with.

It's hard. Hugs are important. Some people need us to push a little harder, some people need us to hold back and basically everyone needs to check that its okay to give a friend a hug! Remember, they might not be able to handle even an online hug. It doesn't mean they don't love us, it just means they're suffering in some way. Maybe they're afraid, maybe they've been traumatised or maybe they're in pain. We need to be respectful and ALWAYS do what is right by that person first and foremost. All for a simple hug!

In the meantime...if you can handle it...